I Don't Want to Die But I Don't Want to Live

Blah........ my whole life recently has being tearing itself apart..i've lost so much, both in myself and in my friends who i just end up hurting..i'm a useless burden to everyone and i dont deserve to be alive. i take no enjoyment from living, i've never being able to..i can't remember a time i didn't hate life, even wheni was a little kid i hated life..and i'm not being dramatic..i wanted to kill myself even then..every day has being a constant fight for me and just when i see myself making headway in things i get knocked back down agian contantly..i know its just a part of life but i have no will to be alive so why should i go through all of that? theonly thing that stops me is the fact that there are people, some people,who care about me for some weird reason....i dont like writing out these emotions..it feels like somehow i'm letting people see my soul, see how much of a coward i really am....blah....all i've searched for is a mutual understanding, a connection  and i dont mean friendship. i look for the person who is the mirror image to me,who can give me meaning and show me just who i am...because i do not know myself..and i know, i know that if i can't know myself then no one can tell me who i am..but i just have to have hope...

i've felt like an outsider to everything, from when i was just a kid everyone hated me, fuck even the teachers at my school hated me and used to all bully the hell out of me. i was already an outcast, and from that, was the fact i was so distant from my parents, espically with my father who was never really there and i know nothing about..all i've had is myself and i dont even know who i am becuase of my depersonlization disorder..all that i know is that  while i appear so strong and independant i'm really not..i need to find my mirror image because if i dont, i will end up dead and know nothing about who i am...okay..i might add later..but i think people are annoyed with me being so sorry for myself so i'll stop.

i'm planning on killing myself in the morning when no one is around..certain things are keeping me here however and i'm not sure what'll happen...i just know that things need to change..i need to do my work, to get back on track with school..okay i added a little bit more at the end but well, tough :P