I Suppress My Anger
A Constant, Never Ending Struggle...
-I probably have the most awkward anger problem in the world. I don't expect you to understand, and to be honest, I don't really care if you don't. Unlike everyone else whose stories I read, I don't have a short fuse, and my anger is not even comparable to high-grade explosives. I have near perfect control over it, so finely tuned that nobody I know ever noticed that something was off about me.
If I had to compare my anger to something, than think of it as a big river. A never-ending flow of emotion that cannot be stopped. I've been suppressing my anger for four years now, ever since I lost control for the first time.
I no longer even remember what set me off first, but I will never forget that feeling that filled me up. And it was so exhilarating. I felt so full of strength, like I could do anything. I felt i could crush any who would hurt me. And while I could go on and preach about how I turned away from it out of my sense of morality, or religious convictions, or simple... whatever. No. The humiliating, pathetic truth was that I was scared. I was so scared of what I was going through that I ran away. And I never faced that fear.
So I never allow myself to let the anger out. The few people that know my dark little secret tell me that I'm crazy, that I can't go on like this, always pushing it down. That I would break. And they are probably right. But even they don't know the whole truth. The deeper truth. The one I wrote here.
I no longer even remember what it feels like not to be angry. I just go between being angry and more angry.
As I said, it feels like a river. It recedes and it surges. And when the waters reach the top of the dam you built, that is when you know your worst nightmare has come knocking.
I never told this to anyone alive. If I wasn't anonymous here, I wouldn't dare to either. I don't think I could deal with it if the people I love suddenly started looking at me like I'm some ticking time-bomb. Especially since I am not. My anger is just one side of who I am.
I am a man who never would! That's right. I would never.harm another human being. Because I am The Man of Legends. Irredeemably stubborn.
-I probably have the most awkward anger problem in the world. I don't expect you to understand, and to be honest, I don't really care if you don't. Unlike everyone else whose stories I read, I don't have a short fuse, and my anger is not even comparable to high-grade explosives. I have near perfect control over it, so finely tuned that nobody I know ever noticed that something was off about me.
If I had to compare my anger to something, than think of it as a big river. A never-ending flow of emotion that cannot be stopped. I've been suppressing my anger for four years now, ever since I lost control for the first time.
I no longer even remember what set me off first, but I will never forget that feeling that filled me up. And it was so exhilarating. I felt so full of strength, like I could do anything. I felt i could crush any who would hurt me. And while I could go on and preach about how I turned away from it out of my sense of morality, or religious convictions, or simple... whatever. No. The humiliating, pathetic truth was that I was scared. I was so scared of what I was going through that I ran away. And I never faced that fear.
So I never allow myself to let the anger out. The few people that know my dark little secret tell me that I'm crazy, that I can't go on like this, always pushing it down. That I would break. And they are probably right. But even they don't know the whole truth. The deeper truth. The one I wrote here.
I no longer even remember what it feels like not to be angry. I just go between being angry and more angry.
As I said, it feels like a river. It recedes and it surges. And when the waters reach the top of the dam you built, that is when you know your worst nightmare has come knocking.
I never told this to anyone alive. If I wasn't anonymous here, I wouldn't dare to either. I don't think I could deal with it if the people I love suddenly started looking at me like I'm some ticking time-bomb. Especially since I am not. My anger is just one side of who I am.
I am a man who never would! That's right. I would never.harm another human being. Because I am The Man of Legends. Irredeemably stubborn.
36-40, M
