I Am Depressed
He was everything I wanted in a man. He was my other half, this uncomprehendingly wonderful being that fulfilled my life, so much that I doubted his existence and thought that I had contrived him in a dream. He taught me what it felt like to truly love someone to the core, and he showed me the perpetually engulfing warmth of deep, flaming, mad love. He dreamed up delightful visions of our future together - bright enough for both our imaginations. He was loving, fun, caring and had amazing traits that every lover would yearn for. Despite the little things he would deem as 'flaws', he stood out like shafts of gold when all is dark. I only had eyes for that man, and still do. Through love, I feel the intensity of my connection with him - every ounce of my soul would yearn to be with him; be it a moment, an hour or a lifetime. I truly believed he had everything I looked for in a man. He was the man I have dreamed of...
But my envisions and dreams have yet to be shattered.
I realized I was trapped in the cage of my mind filled with delusions, fears, sadness and pain. The scars from the past that were once thought to be faded, have been hidden underneath a gauze the whole time. They have yet to reveal themselves, like scars etched in flesh. I thought I was confident and had moved on from the past. In reality, I was hiding behind a mask of the optimism, confidence and ebullience, running away from the claws of my emotions. Eventually, my mask shattered, revealing the vulnerable person that was hidden within. Drowning in self-loathing and fears, my full glass of insecurities soon overflowed onto him. I found flaws in every statement he made - the more questions I asked, the more pain I brought upon myself. I was afraid of losing him, my first love, my everything. My past has brought me monumental amount of trust issues, and it was a burden to carry them on my back throughout my life.What if he did the same thing? What if he gave me empty promises? These were the questions I asked; however, his empathy and kindness soon turned into impatience and abrasive ramblings. At that point, he would always compel me to leave - as if he did not care if I did. If only it was that easy.
Would he care if I walked out of his life? What if I was just a phase?
Sadly, I cannot tell my heart when to stop beating for the person who has long since stopped listening for its rhythms.
"For one human being to love another; that is perhaps the most difficult of all out tasks... The work for all which other work is but preparation."
But my envisions and dreams have yet to be shattered.
I realized I was trapped in the cage of my mind filled with delusions, fears, sadness and pain. The scars from the past that were once thought to be faded, have been hidden underneath a gauze the whole time. They have yet to reveal themselves, like scars etched in flesh. I thought I was confident and had moved on from the past. In reality, I was hiding behind a mask of the optimism, confidence and ebullience, running away from the claws of my emotions. Eventually, my mask shattered, revealing the vulnerable person that was hidden within. Drowning in self-loathing and fears, my full glass of insecurities soon overflowed onto him. I found flaws in every statement he made - the more questions I asked, the more pain I brought upon myself. I was afraid of losing him, my first love, my everything. My past has brought me monumental amount of trust issues, and it was a burden to carry them on my back throughout my life.What if he did the same thing? What if he gave me empty promises? These were the questions I asked; however, his empathy and kindness soon turned into impatience and abrasive ramblings. At that point, he would always compel me to leave - as if he did not care if I did. If only it was that easy.
Would he care if I walked out of his life? What if I was just a phase?
Sadly, I cannot tell my heart when to stop beating for the person who has long since stopped listening for its rhythms.
"For one human being to love another; that is perhaps the most difficult of all out tasks... The work for all which other work is but preparation."
