I Miss Him
He was pretty terrible to me, but the closest thing I ever had to love and understanding while I was growing up. My mother only knew how to keep food on the table, so we only had each other. I thought that this would make me special. I thought it was enough to make him love me. But I smelled the coffee much later than I should have. The hints of his cruelty and lack of compassion were em<x>bedded in all of our time together. Like how he never said the words "I love you," and failed to make me realize that I am to be valued. It was there every time he threw fits and got angry for no reason or mistreated me whenever and however he pleased. I was at his mercy, and I am to blame. I should have been stronger, but I wasn't. I thought I knew who he was.
I was caught up in the small moments that were seemingly enough to keep me happy. Like watching Lindsey Lohan movies together on rainy days, or playing basketball while he proudly referred to me as "my sister." I was proud to call him my big brother, my best friend. But for what? The way he treated me and made me feel never added up to the level of love and respect I had for him. The way he should have loved me was a mere thought that I daily dismissed just to keep him in life life. But that only shows how childish I have been. For while I loved my brother's companionship, he cared only about himself.
He was the first guy I ever gave my heart to but he never received it.
I'm learning to define myself outside of his existence. My life was never about him, but I truly thought he was a key part of it. While I attempted to get closer to him, he only found different ways to abandon me.
Now when I think about this man, this stranger, I feel the urge to remove him from inside me: from behind my eyes, from my bloodstream. I want to run away from everything that's ever been familiar to me because it all involves him: his face, his slurred words when he says my name, the "freeze" game, his teaching me how to play Fifa, even little details that are deeply rooted within me that makes me who I am.
I was never part of him the way I had made him part of me.
I guess this is life's design. You can't rely on anyone, not even family, to love you unconditionally.
I was caught up in the small moments that were seemingly enough to keep me happy. Like watching Lindsey Lohan movies together on rainy days, or playing basketball while he proudly referred to me as "my sister." I was proud to call him my big brother, my best friend. But for what? The way he treated me and made me feel never added up to the level of love and respect I had for him. The way he should have loved me was a mere thought that I daily dismissed just to keep him in life life. But that only shows how childish I have been. For while I loved my brother's companionship, he cared only about himself.
He was the first guy I ever gave my heart to but he never received it.
I'm learning to define myself outside of his existence. My life was never about him, but I truly thought he was a key part of it. While I attempted to get closer to him, he only found different ways to abandon me.
Now when I think about this man, this stranger, I feel the urge to remove him from inside me: from behind my eyes, from my bloodstream. I want to run away from everything that's ever been familiar to me because it all involves him: his face, his slurred words when he says my name, the "freeze" game, his teaching me how to play Fifa, even little details that are deeply rooted within me that makes me who I am.
I was never part of him the way I had made him part of me.
I guess this is life's design. You can't rely on anyone, not even family, to love you unconditionally.
26-30, M