I found out I'm guilt-ridden...
I often thought that I had got over the "guilt" thing. I figured that whatever decision I made in life, was based on the information I had at that moment, on my feelings and that moment, and whatever I did, I knew it was just the most rational and logical thing to do at that moment... Things often don't turn out as we expect, but it didn't make sense to feel "guilty" about anything... Nobody can predict the future, and I'm no different.
Yet, today I just realized I'm rather guilt-ridden... I'm self-employed, work from home, flexible hours. Today I had nothing pending. It was a beautiful sunny day, a nice break from the usual drizzle and gray skies we get in this part of the word in winter. I thought I could go out and "enjoy the sun". Going for a hike, stretch a bit. But I couldn't bring myself to it. I thought of all the people who has to work in an office eight hours per day (like I did most of my life), and that they couldn't just take the day off and going for a hike... Why should I? I'm no better than anyone... Why should out be out there relaxing while people is stressing out unable to leave their 9-to-5 jobs?
I know it's a stupid rationale, after all, just like people are worse off than myself, there are people who are so much better off than me (and they're no better than me either!), so it's absurd feeling guilty for taking the opportunity to have a break now and then.
Yet, I can't possibly enjoy it... Even the idea of taking a vacation, a two-week vacation and "relax"... I couldn't relax... Being self-employed means I have to look after myself, no one will do my job... What if someone needs me...? Even today, as I thought of "taking the day off" I kept thinking, what if someone needed something ASAP today and I'm not available, because I'd be basically "slacking off"?
I figured I'm basically shooting myself in the foot with my rationale. With this train of thought I would never, ever take a vacation... I often dream of "one day" take a 3-week or month-long vacation, wandering aimlessly around the Mediterranean and/or visiting little towns in Britain and Scandinavia... And there's the Japan trip I'd also like to make... And the Caribbean... But it just dawned on me that I cannot fit such "dreams" with my day-to-day reality... I don't know how ANYONE can go out on vacation and enjoy it all without felling anxious/guilty... How do I fix myself...??
😭🏝️✈️
Yet, today I just realized I'm rather guilt-ridden... I'm self-employed, work from home, flexible hours. Today I had nothing pending. It was a beautiful sunny day, a nice break from the usual drizzle and gray skies we get in this part of the word in winter. I thought I could go out and "enjoy the sun". Going for a hike, stretch a bit. But I couldn't bring myself to it. I thought of all the people who has to work in an office eight hours per day (like I did most of my life), and that they couldn't just take the day off and going for a hike... Why should I? I'm no better than anyone... Why should out be out there relaxing while people is stressing out unable to leave their 9-to-5 jobs?
I know it's a stupid rationale, after all, just like people are worse off than myself, there are people who are so much better off than me (and they're no better than me either!), so it's absurd feeling guilty for taking the opportunity to have a break now and then.
Yet, I can't possibly enjoy it... Even the idea of taking a vacation, a two-week vacation and "relax"... I couldn't relax... Being self-employed means I have to look after myself, no one will do my job... What if someone needs me...? Even today, as I thought of "taking the day off" I kept thinking, what if someone needed something ASAP today and I'm not available, because I'd be basically "slacking off"?
I figured I'm basically shooting myself in the foot with my rationale. With this train of thought I would never, ever take a vacation... I often dream of "one day" take a 3-week or month-long vacation, wandering aimlessly around the Mediterranean and/or visiting little towns in Britain and Scandinavia... And there's the Japan trip I'd also like to make... And the Caribbean... But it just dawned on me that I cannot fit such "dreams" with my day-to-day reality... I don't know how ANYONE can go out on vacation and enjoy it all without felling anxious/guilty... How do I fix myself...??
😭🏝️✈️
