I Still Don't Understand Some People

Sometime I wonder why people offer to help. I feel like people pretend to help only to gain some sort of leverage on you. This one particular situation with my dad (who I have helped and assisted unconditionally in the past) he says that he wants to help me but only on his terms. I feel like he is trying to control my life. If I don't live as he sees fit then he is ready to snatch the rug from under my feet and he all too prepared to say "I told you so." I have dreams and passions in my life that I want to achieve and I feel like they are overlooked. Yes I have issues and yes I have made mistakes but I would like a helping hand that can look past that. He manipulates other family members and gets them to think I am a lost cause and he has actually said to me "he needs to make decisions that a best for the rest of the family and that means cutting your losses." I can't help to think back to the times when things were bad for him and I helped him out of love, even though I probably shouldn't have. There are a lot of things that my dad does that I disagree with but I helped him out because he needed. I never said I will only help if you live your life according to what I think is important. Why can't I get the same respect. i understand having a family member with mental illness takes a toll on the entire family but I still need people who are willing to work with me. I will also point out it's not like I'm going out drinking and getting high (I do smoke pot but that is something that helps me and I get judged for that too by people that don't understand), I needed a place to stay, a listening ear, help getting the treatment I need for my Bipolar/Anxiety/Adhd, as well as things that I have found to help me. I want to work and I was working full-time and taking care of myself but when i hit rock bottom I lost everything. I want to be a writer (I'm actually a grad student for English and creative writing w/ a concentration in screenwriting) and my dad didn't agree with that dream. He wants me live life the way he wants me to and if I do anything he disagrees with he'll manipulate and hold the little support he does give over me and threaten to take it away. I hate it so much because I would never do him like that. He is self-employed and he put our family at risk because of his bad business decisions. I helped out even though I disagreed with his choices and I never asked for anything in return or said it was going to be my way or I wouldn't help. I just wish I could get the same in return. It hurts and makes me feel even worse about myself because every time I start making progress in my life I fall down. Then I am teased with help and support that is merely conditional. I know my Dad thinks grad school and my writing isn't important but I don't think it is fair that my own father would do this. I have even offered to go to family counseling because I know my mental illness affects everyone, but he doesn't want to. All he cares about is how I look to the rest of the family and his friends. I feel like he is ashamed. I feel like what I want doesn't matter. It makes me feel like a burden.