I Hate Life

I'm tired of trying I give up. I just want an escape as I always ask for. This site allows me a temporary escape. It allows me to just write down my thoughts and feelings. It wasn't long ago on Experience Project I remember helping people with these sad thoughts. I remember if we are sad as a group we are not really alone. I still feel that is true. No matter how alone I feel and how tired I am of life. I know that there are people out there just like me and we suffer together. I guess Misery loves company. But I know I am not depressed because to me I feel that depression is when you perceive a problem where one doesn't really exist but you feel that there is one. I on the other hand have been alone and friendless for 12 years. No matter how much I give and give I get nothing back. That's fine I have accepted that. I just am tired. I've been tired for a long time. I just don't have the energy. The worst part is knowing that if I were to die tomorrow no one would Mourn me. Not my parents, wife, or even kids. I think the kids are more worried because I am the favorite parent so no one will spoil them. But don't get me wrong I am not suicidal I don't seek death but I am not opposed to it. I wont hurt myself but I always asks god if I am to remain in this existence please have mercy and just let me not wake up. Let me have some painless death in my sleep. So I just don't wake up. Ahh wells, This is my outlet now. I hope someone out there can relate and just know that you aren't alone in your helpless feelings. There are people who wont ridicule you or judge you for not caring if you live or die.