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I Know That Life Is Hard

So my dad who has congestive heart failure, has just been diagnosed with bowel ischemia. I haven't been to the hospital today to see him, and my family keeps saying how I have to ask and pay more attention, but the truth is i'm just shielding myself from the pain. It's my defense mechanism. With a sick dad, and a brother with leukemia, and while currently in medschool & studying for boards, I just have to shut some of aspects of life down.

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saintsong · 41-45, F

I understand, when my grandma was dying from cancer, I avoided her, because I couldn't bare to see her suffer like that, I kept on saying that my someone in my household had a cold or flu, which for the most part was true, and I didn't want to get her sick while she was having chemo treatment, but I wanted to remember her as she was.....Not as a cancer patient. Even though I really truly loved her.

offingg · 26-30, F

@saintchantal: They probably think of me as a monster bc they might think I just don't care. It's hard, I haven't told anyone in my life except one friend. I don't want anyone to know. I just want to be alone.

saintsong · 41-45, F

@offingg: Oh honey, don't be so hard on yourself, nobody thinks that you are a monster....It's okay to grieve in your own way, even if it means being alone. I'm sure you have gone in to see your dad when he needed you, your world doesn't revolve around his illness you have a lot on your plait, and need to focus on your studies.

offingg · 26-30, F

@saintchantal: Yeah, but he definitely doesn't know that it's my way of grieving. I gotta find a way to pss my boards and get a high mark while being depressed & anxious. I don't want to burden you with my troubles so thank you for all your kind words. God bless.

saintsong · 41-45, F

@offingg: It's okay, you are doing the best you can with what you have.