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I Am Ashamed of Myself

I don't think I have felt as bad as I do today for quite a while.

Like I really just can't keep on keeping on.

Like I really just don't want to.

Things will not change. I know that now.
There is no happy ending waiting to happen.

I know this really bad moment will pass.

But it's cause will still be there. It will linger.
It is a part of me.

I am a terrible mother, to have these thoughts.
To look at my children's photos and though they keep me here. It is because I cannot burden them with my departure. Instead I burden them with my existence. With my failings. They deserve better. They got me.

And I am so sorry for them that they did.

Why couldn't I be better?

They deserved better.

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SoFine · 46-50, F

(I lost a parent at the age of 9)
They have you, even if you think that you are failing them, they have you.
We can endure allot, we can stand allot of pain.
Give them a foundation of seeing that all of life is not a constant "Going to the MALL and been entertained".
They look at your body and your face.
How you walk around, your posture and your facial look.
Do you look worried and full of angst?
Then know that they watch you.
****
We live from "It should be this way"
Live from the honesty of life is as it is....
Not from as it should be.
They need to hear love .....that is their life food.
LOVE...