I Am Ashamed of Myself

I don't think I have felt as bad as I do today for quite a while.

Like I really just can't keep on keeping on.

Like I really just don't want to.

Things will not change. I know that now.
There is no happy ending waiting to happen.

I know this really bad moment will pass.

But it's cause will still be there. It will linger.
It is a part of me.

I am a terrible mother, to have these thoughts.
To look at my children's photos and though they keep me here. It is because I cannot burden them with my departure. Instead I burden them with my existence. With my failings. They deserve better. They got me.

And I am so sorry for them that they did.

Why couldn't I be better?

They deserved better.