I Am Ashamed of Myself
My biggest problem right now is not knowing how to handle the most basic situations. I find myself stuck, unable to explain myself, or my feelings, throwing everything into a box, only have it all blown in my face last minute. I don't even allow myself to feel what I SHOULD feel in particular moments. I let my true feelings rise up only when I'm alone, reflecting on what had actually happened. Why do I feel the need to hide who I am? Why must everything be a secret, especially when it's MY feelings on the line? How can I ever actually develop into the person I'm meant to be if I don't let myself feel ANYTHING real?
What's worse is that this kind of behavior is preventing me from taking control of my own life. I let everything slide by, I allow things to be okay when they shouldn't be. I let people walk all over me, say and do whatever they want, only to find myself overwhelmed with sadness or anger when I'm alone, feeling like it's too late to take any sense of action.
How do I even begin to change this? Tonight, I came to the conclusion that I've been a big wimp my whole life and suddenly everything around me felt realer. It felt like even the sky had been bullying me all this time, just waiting for me to take a good look up at it, to finally realize what has been going on for such a long time. I feel so trapped within my own mind. Taken with anger and shamefulness and regret. I feel like a child, unable to grow up the way that I so desperately want to. I WANT to! I WANT to stand up for myself, I WANT to look at people straight in the face and yell at them, but WHERE DO I START? At this point, there's so many people that need to hear a piece of my mind that it would take me years to catch up.
I need to start sticking up for how I truly feel, and I need to begin with actually ALLOWING myself to feel in these situations.
How I feel is important, how it impacts me matters. I'm going to stop disregarding my feelings. No wonder why other people do this. They realize how much I neglect how I feel, so they do it too.
Unlike what I thought, I'm nowhere near loving myself enough.
What's worse is that this kind of behavior is preventing me from taking control of my own life. I let everything slide by, I allow things to be okay when they shouldn't be. I let people walk all over me, say and do whatever they want, only to find myself overwhelmed with sadness or anger when I'm alone, feeling like it's too late to take any sense of action.
How do I even begin to change this? Tonight, I came to the conclusion that I've been a big wimp my whole life and suddenly everything around me felt realer. It felt like even the sky had been bullying me all this time, just waiting for me to take a good look up at it, to finally realize what has been going on for such a long time. I feel so trapped within my own mind. Taken with anger and shamefulness and regret. I feel like a child, unable to grow up the way that I so desperately want to. I WANT to! I WANT to stand up for myself, I WANT to look at people straight in the face and yell at them, but WHERE DO I START? At this point, there's so many people that need to hear a piece of my mind that it would take me years to catch up.
I need to start sticking up for how I truly feel, and I need to begin with actually ALLOWING myself to feel in these situations.
How I feel is important, how it impacts me matters. I'm going to stop disregarding my feelings. No wonder why other people do this. They realize how much I neglect how I feel, so they do it too.
Unlike what I thought, I'm nowhere near loving myself enough.
26-30, M