I Can't See The Light At The End Of The Tunnel

I walk this Earth now a pool of darkness waiting for heaven to take what's left...knowing I am wrong. Knowing I have done wrong. But knowing I cannot be forgiven without guilt. Trying to learn lessons with what's left. Left knowing that only Jesus has love for me. That I am undeserving of it. And that my body longs to run. Away. But I know there is no escape. Not one soul could love me. Yet I hold onto hope. I think perhaps I rest too much. Yet I do not have control of said funds. I think I'll run down the street tomorrow. I feel like gluttony. I feel like sin. I feel good. I long to feel bad....I long to feel something besides happiness and miss the bleed for others I once had inside my heart. It's me in a bad way it's you in the best. Not one person can dig me out of this selfishness only Jesus God and heaven can. Only I can work hard.Only I can try my best.