I Feel Trapped

I am sort of feeling trapped right now. I feel like my back is forced against a wall and everyone is coming at me. I don't know what to do. I recently admitted to having a drug problem to my parents. That was hard enough to tell them about. Now I feel extra trapped because my mom had found a half drank bottle of vodka in a drawer. Yes, sometimes I do drink. This is especially true if I have had a horrible day at work. That bottle was there for weeks. I can't legally buy my own liquor yet so I used to have my ex pick me up some. I don't drink super heavily it's normally just enough to get tipsy. I just told her I didn't know why it was there. I didn't know what to say. I've already seriously disappointed them once this month. I just don't have the heart to do it again.

Ugh sometimes there are parts of myself I like to keep private. I am selective of what they get to know about me. Actually I am like that with everyone. There is a lot they don't know about me and I would like to keep it that way. They don't know about my battles with anxiety and depression. They have no idea about all the hate/death related poems I used to write. Hell I even wrote out a whole two pages on why I wanted to die and why I hate my life a couple years ago. I don't want them knowing about my contemplation of suicide several times either.

I don't like sharing my feelings with others face to face. I especially don't like it with family. I hate feeling vulnerable, I hate feeling exposed, and I hate having to explain everything. It's easier if they don't know me like that.