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What would you do?!

If you were married or romantically involved with someone who acted like they cared only after you confronted them about not acting like they careD...would you feel like they cared? My husband repeatedly treats me like my feelings don’t matter whatsoever and he gaslights me and is super defensive most of the time. And then after a huge argument he tries to come back and say he is sorry for everything. Some things just aren’t fixed by saying sorry. There are some things that you’d rather see changed than continue to hear someone apologize for. Does anyone have any advice?

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Steve42 · 56-60, M

I was married for over 20 years, I can assure you that your feelings matter to your husband. It is probably so assumed by him that he thinks its obvious to you. He thinks that checkbox has already been checked, after all you are married, never realizing that it requires maintenance.

Northwest · M

Have you shared this with him?

Girlygirl099 · 26-30, F

@Northwest I have, and he either says sorry (but then does it again) or gets really defensive

Northwest · M

@Girlygirl099 I know it's tough with Covid, but you need to find a therapist/life coach, who can help you devise a plan. Someone who can spend a few hours, one on one, to get to really know your situation. Do not involve your husband at this point, and you should be able to do this online.

Your husband is showing signs of disturbing behavior, and you need to determine if it's situational or systemic. If it's the latter, then you have a real problem, as people do not change at that level. If it's the former, then the two of you can work through it.

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