I'm Trying to Think Positive
I have been a bit down lately. I decided to make an appointment with a therapist. I couldn't take it and started crying just when answering the must-answer pre-intake questions. I kept it reasonable but it still was embarrassing. I'll have to see that guy I cried on the phone with face to face tomorrow.
Not quite the auspicious start to the process I hoped for, but what can I expect I guess? I just hope after complaining I feel better. I won't take any medication. I'm trying to sober up, not get wasted. That's part of what depresses me.
I'm determined though. I'm ashamed to admit I have thought of suicide, roughly daily. I NEVER make plans or real hopes, it's more like I say, "what's the point? If I was an orphan I would likely kill myself. It's the sadness I'd inflict on my family that is so vicious, selfish, and plain unacceptable. I don't want my parents having to endure that. Plus, that's like the exact opposite of making them proud, which is my goal. The fact I'm not attaining that also hurts me. Just to clarify, I think if I was a foster child and a family had raised me for any significant amount of time, I would feel the same. I mean having nobody at all, as being an orphan.
I'm a lucky person though. I have already endured some tough times and been very fortunate. I have really had loads of good luck, considering my choices throughout the years. I have been depressed for many years and I lived a foolish and reckless life, expecting it to finish me off early. That's not considered your fault, like suicide. It's just considered a shame.
I'm glad I lived. But I don't want to have lived only to suffer and be an indentured servant to the wealthy. I want to do something good and meaningful. I want to go to graduate college and become a doctor or surgeon. I have amazing hand eye coordination, due to video games and kendama and many other sports.
I don't have it the worst in the world. Hell, even with my huge six digit educational loan debt, I probably don't have the worst life on my block.
But I am just so capable. I'm not saying I wanna be rich. I'm saying I wanna be UTILIZED in a valuable way! Value in a meaning larger than money.
Maybe it's too late. Maybe a former junkie is only allowed to be a drug counselor. I don't want to live for drugs though. I feel for folks with those problems and I believe they deserve attention, but I don't want to focus on that. I want to help people of all types that truly NEED it.
My father had to have emergency brain surgeries this past winter. I'm so thankful and grateful things went well, but I want to help like those doctors are helping.
THEY MAKE A DIFFERENCE!
If they call in sick, it's a crisis. I want my work to really make a difference and I feel like my past, despite my unbelievably good luck throughout my ridiculous behavior during youth, I don't have any felonies. I think the misdemeanors are even "covered," if not gone all together.
Anyway I just want my time learning organic chemistry and my mind to not both go to waste.
Not quite the auspicious start to the process I hoped for, but what can I expect I guess? I just hope after complaining I feel better. I won't take any medication. I'm trying to sober up, not get wasted. That's part of what depresses me.
I'm determined though. I'm ashamed to admit I have thought of suicide, roughly daily. I NEVER make plans or real hopes, it's more like I say, "what's the point? If I was an orphan I would likely kill myself. It's the sadness I'd inflict on my family that is so vicious, selfish, and plain unacceptable. I don't want my parents having to endure that. Plus, that's like the exact opposite of making them proud, which is my goal. The fact I'm not attaining that also hurts me. Just to clarify, I think if I was a foster child and a family had raised me for any significant amount of time, I would feel the same. I mean having nobody at all, as being an orphan.
I'm a lucky person though. I have already endured some tough times and been very fortunate. I have really had loads of good luck, considering my choices throughout the years. I have been depressed for many years and I lived a foolish and reckless life, expecting it to finish me off early. That's not considered your fault, like suicide. It's just considered a shame.
I'm glad I lived. But I don't want to have lived only to suffer and be an indentured servant to the wealthy. I want to do something good and meaningful. I want to go to graduate college and become a doctor or surgeon. I have amazing hand eye coordination, due to video games and kendama and many other sports.
I don't have it the worst in the world. Hell, even with my huge six digit educational loan debt, I probably don't have the worst life on my block.
But I am just so capable. I'm not saying I wanna be rich. I'm saying I wanna be UTILIZED in a valuable way! Value in a meaning larger than money.
Maybe it's too late. Maybe a former junkie is only allowed to be a drug counselor. I don't want to live for drugs though. I feel for folks with those problems and I believe they deserve attention, but I don't want to focus on that. I want to help people of all types that truly NEED it.
My father had to have emergency brain surgeries this past winter. I'm so thankful and grateful things went well, but I want to help like those doctors are helping.
THEY MAKE A DIFFERENCE!
If they call in sick, it's a crisis. I want my work to really make a difference and I feel like my past, despite my unbelievably good luck throughout my ridiculous behavior during youth, I don't have any felonies. I think the misdemeanors are even "covered," if not gone all together.
Anyway I just want my time learning organic chemistry and my mind to not both go to waste.
