I Battle Self-hatred, Anxiety, And Depression

I was in 7th grade walking home from school when I thought to myself was I happy. I wasnt getting bullied anymore I had friends my grades were good the homework was almost nonexistent but was i happy. I didnt need to ask that question before that because the answer then was no. i was getting bullied all I thought about was surviving until i could leave that school and never look back. but then in 7th grade everything was going my way I should have been happy but i wasnt just asking the question of myself made me feel that gap in my heart that small hole that i never noticed before. that night i dreamed and it was of her, i could see her smile, i could feel her warmth, she felt like the moon to me i wanted to serve her i wanted to worship her i would challenge the gods for her. thats what i felt when i woke up the next day knowing two things. 1 she was my happiness,2 she wasn't in this world of ours. thats when my depression began. then 2 or 3 years later i realized how pathetic i was. instead of trying to make myself better preparing myself doing everything i could to be worthy of her i despaired at her absence and wallowed in self pity. then i realized how stupid i was other people are depressed for legitimate reasons i basically rationalized myself into depression how could i compare myself to or talk to people who are depressed.