I Lost Someone Important to Me
I lost the child that dreamed endlessly.
Why is it that the world works to break your wings? When I was a little girl, I was cheerful. I love people. Then growing up, I got to interact with other kids in the neighborhood and in school. I saw children get bullied. I myself got bullied too. From someone who doesn't lie, I learned to lie just to gain friends and make them think I'm cool.
Then as I kept growing, I found myself investing time and effort and love in more and more people. Only in the end, even the best of them turned out differently than what I expected. One failed friendship after another, it seems like I'm never meant to have a best friend.
Then I lost my dad and the world I knew crumbled. I lost the glass slippers and now, I feel distant even with my mousy friends.
The friends who stuck with me most at the most difficult hours ended up leaving too. I learned that if I cannot make them feel good about themselves, if I don't choose them over me, then they get disappointed and hurt and even angry. I learned that if I want them to stay, I have to restrain the girl I see in the mirror.
But I couldn't do that. She's too important, too spirited, and I know there was no other choice. I had to choose her. I did.
And yet now, without a close friend to know what's inside my heart, I feel like I'm losing her too, if I haven't already.
I have friends. Amazing friends. Not best friends but close ones. I also have great family.
And yet none of them could comfort me. They see a cheerful girl with a pretty smile. They see the perfect life. And yet I feel I'm lost. I have grown too strong on the outside that I have let my guard down on the inside to the point that I feel my heart is about to shatter any minute I choose to let go and just fall. But I'm too strong. I couldn't even let myself take a free fall. I've got a reputation to protect, people who depend on me, younger friends and family who idolize me...Name them. Is it pride though? That which prevents me from falling? Why fall if you have wings, right? Does it matter if the wings are already broken and what we see are nothing but an illusion that shines brightly in the flickering light? Still I tell myself, 'I've got you.' 'You're gonna be okay.' 'You're okay.' 'You've got me'
Odd. The only voice of comfort for the inside that's breaking is the perfected outside that have fought too hard, seen too much.
But then...what's the point if I feel I have noone to catch and noone to catch me because I have grown too hating and distrusting of people?
Sometimes, I feel it'd be nice to see that girl again. If she can see me now, will she smile for the woman I have become? Or will she cry for the loss of innocence?
Why is it that the world works to break your wings? When I was a little girl, I was cheerful. I love people. Then growing up, I got to interact with other kids in the neighborhood and in school. I saw children get bullied. I myself got bullied too. From someone who doesn't lie, I learned to lie just to gain friends and make them think I'm cool.
Then as I kept growing, I found myself investing time and effort and love in more and more people. Only in the end, even the best of them turned out differently than what I expected. One failed friendship after another, it seems like I'm never meant to have a best friend.
Then I lost my dad and the world I knew crumbled. I lost the glass slippers and now, I feel distant even with my mousy friends.
The friends who stuck with me most at the most difficult hours ended up leaving too. I learned that if I cannot make them feel good about themselves, if I don't choose them over me, then they get disappointed and hurt and even angry. I learned that if I want them to stay, I have to restrain the girl I see in the mirror.
But I couldn't do that. She's too important, too spirited, and I know there was no other choice. I had to choose her. I did.
And yet now, without a close friend to know what's inside my heart, I feel like I'm losing her too, if I haven't already.
I have friends. Amazing friends. Not best friends but close ones. I also have great family.
And yet none of them could comfort me. They see a cheerful girl with a pretty smile. They see the perfect life. And yet I feel I'm lost. I have grown too strong on the outside that I have let my guard down on the inside to the point that I feel my heart is about to shatter any minute I choose to let go and just fall. But I'm too strong. I couldn't even let myself take a free fall. I've got a reputation to protect, people who depend on me, younger friends and family who idolize me...Name them. Is it pride though? That which prevents me from falling? Why fall if you have wings, right? Does it matter if the wings are already broken and what we see are nothing but an illusion that shines brightly in the flickering light? Still I tell myself, 'I've got you.' 'You're gonna be okay.' 'You're okay.' 'You've got me'
Odd. The only voice of comfort for the inside that's breaking is the perfected outside that have fought too hard, seen too much.
But then...what's the point if I feel I have noone to catch and noone to catch me because I have grown too hating and distrusting of people?
Sometimes, I feel it'd be nice to see that girl again. If she can see me now, will she smile for the woman I have become? Or will she cry for the loss of innocence?
