I Was Just Thinking

Sometimes something happens in our lives that makes us take a look at the whole of it, and often we see it as a complete failure. We feel we have wasted our lives, our world sucks, our work has no meaning, our beliefs are wrong, we have been fooled, we were made to believe in things that were not real.

But we seldom talk about it. We hide it under everyday small talk, or muttered insincere 'I am ok', to people who are likely to feel the same way. Feeling that vital boredom and disgust is much more frequent than we think. We think it is a weakness. We think we should not complain. We think it only happens to us, not to others. No. No. No.

I went through that phase when my marriage failed. It would have happened at any other moment if not then, but the pressure, the feeling of guilt and the sadness rang the bell. Therapy helped. One of the things my therapist said is that if my life had been so awful as I thought it was, I would not have lived it the way I did, but would have chosen different paths. I refused that thought then. I thought I could not have lived another life. But with time I realised she was right, and I saw my life worse than it was. Not that there were not shadows, but I was just focussing on them.

Even now the feelings that I could have lived my life in a better way are there. The days where everything sucks are there. The days where I feel trapped remain. These days they are quite often. But I learnt there that I am not alone. That I am not the one with such feeling. And it helps.