I Think About Killing Myself

It crosses my mind more often than I like to admit. I am trying to find help, but it's like there's someone inside of me telling me that I'm not worth the help. And then when I show up to an appointment, there's another someone forcing me to keep my mouth closed, so I can't say what I want to... What I need to... I emptied the bottles of pills in my hand today. I could have taken them. I wonder why I didn't. I wonder why I even thought to empty the bottle. I don't know how to feel. I don't want to feel. I think I know already that one day, maybe today, tomorrow, next week, or 50 years from now, I will be the one to take myself out of this world.