I Self Medicate
I self-medicate recreationally. Guess that means I'm running away from something.... but I can live with that. I could take the time to enunciate what it is I am running away from. But I choose not to. I don't wanna remember anymore. Remembering only brings pain, followed by waves of bitterness and resentment. That is not who I want to be. Instead I medicate myself with as much weed, booze and pills as I can get my hands on.
Not all at the same time, of course. I don't have a death-wish. I just have a need for escape. So it's either, or. But it helps quiet my demons - helps drown out the voices in my mind; telling me that it will always be this way. That I am destined to be empty and alone for the remainder of my existence. Telling me that happiness is just an illusion, and ultimately - unattainable. I don't have the strength to face it anymore. It took all the strength I had just to get me here and keep my head above water.
The worst part is how much I sound like my mother right now. And I hated her for so long because of this... but now I finally get it. Self-medication of this type sometimes is the only solution. The only clear way to get through this alive and intact, (not that she did). But I will succeed where she did not. I will survive these demons. I just need a bit of extra chemical help in facing them. Then maybe, just maybe, one day I can emerge victorious... healed... unbroken.
Not all at the same time, of course. I don't have a death-wish. I just have a need for escape. So it's either, or. But it helps quiet my demons - helps drown out the voices in my mind; telling me that it will always be this way. That I am destined to be empty and alone for the remainder of my existence. Telling me that happiness is just an illusion, and ultimately - unattainable. I don't have the strength to face it anymore. It took all the strength I had just to get me here and keep my head above water.
The worst part is how much I sound like my mother right now. And I hated her for so long because of this... but now I finally get it. Self-medication of this type sometimes is the only solution. The only clear way to get through this alive and intact, (not that she did). But I will succeed where she did not. I will survive these demons. I just need a bit of extra chemical help in facing them. Then maybe, just maybe, one day I can emerge victorious... healed... unbroken.
