I Am Lying to Myself

I've been doing this. I believed strongly that every human being is just that: a human being. Same as every other but for a few tiny genetic mods and the vastly different backgrounds of experiences and interactions that shape us. Athletes. Awesome people like Danny MacAskill and Sebastian Faucon. Founders of the Food Is Free Project, 38 Degrees, Avaaz. Human beings.

That belief was so strong. So strong. I was using it to rebuff people who don't hold the same belief. To send them packing. Those are not people I want in my life. Haters, rejectors, people who dislike the diversity of this wonderful race. Not for me.

Yet, when I am flirted with by a homosexual or bisexual man, I feel uncomfortable. When I dream of creating my own food garden, I do not start. I don't even click the how-to links that HELPFULLY APPEAR ON MY FACEBOOK NEWSFEED.

I believed it for everyone else. Except me. This isn't my most shameful admission ever. I don't know if that's sad or what. But. Even with a heart of gold, passing people on from places of sadness towards places they could be happy. Acceptance. Forgiveness. Work. Doing. As this happened for them, I myself chose to stay behind, welcoming the next lot onto my boat to do the same old river crossing.

I feel like the time has come for me to rise. But rising up the chain means exploiting more people, or so I'm led to believe. It also means more stress, as I manage more workload. Really? Fears. Fears prevent more dreams from coming to fruition than failures do. I know this, but I don't *know* this.

It's hard to be me. But I wish it. Someday that wish will come true.

biofrances

HI
I am sorry I did answer you last night but EP was playing up and I lost it all.
The voices you speak of are the voices of doubt the voice of insecurity and the voice of lost confidence. Lots of them nagging you aren't there lol ?

Take a deep breath and listen to that very tiny voice within yourself. Not all we do turns out as we wish. But it is the trying that is important the getting up dusting yourself off and starting all over again.
Take small strides ones you can manage till you get confidence as strength. look do not strive for something that could be beyond you, we cannot all be brain surgeons my friend.
One of the biggest things we all have to overcome is fear itself do you realise that.

Those who boast they know no fear are not brave people because they have not had anything to conquer . But those who can face their fears are the brave ones.

if I remember rightly last time we spoke you had a good relationship with God what happened there ?