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I Am Lying to Myself

I've been doing this. I believed strongly that every human being is just that: a human being. Same as every other but for a few tiny genetic mods and the vastly different backgrounds of experiences and interactions that shape us. Athletes. Awesome people like Danny MacAskill and Sebastian Faucon. Founders of the Food Is Free Project, 38 Degrees, Avaaz. Human beings.

That belief was so strong. So strong. I was using it to rebuff people who don't hold the same belief. To send them packing. Those are not people I want in my life. Haters, rejectors, people who dislike the diversity of this wonderful race. Not for me.

Yet, when I am flirted with by a homosexual or bisexual man, I feel uncomfortable. When I dream of creating my own food garden, I do not start. I don't even click the how-to links that HELPFULLY APPEAR ON MY FACEBOOK NEWSFEED.

I believed it for everyone else. Except me. This isn't my most shameful admission ever. I don't know if that's sad or what. But. Even with a heart of gold, passing people on from places of sadness towards places they could be happy. Acceptance. Forgiveness. Work. Doing. As this happened for them, I myself chose to stay behind, welcoming the next lot onto my boat to do the same old river crossing.

I feel like the time has come for me to rise. But rising up the chain means exploiting more people, or so I'm led to believe. It also means more stress, as I manage more workload. Really? Fears. Fears prevent more dreams from coming to fruition than failures do. I know this, but I don't *know* this.

It's hard to be me. But I wish it. Someday that wish will come true.

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biofrances

Hi Clouds
You seem a little down mate
Look it is what is called motivation I find myself doing the same thing just the same as you have described.

I had my own little market garden once I had a lot of things once.
But back on the floor again. But love you know what, get that spirit up and running every time you fall always remember it is an exercise that strengthens your spirit and your soul.

You do not have to be a great athelete nor a genius that is possibly not in your walk.

What is that prayer ? Not the exact words cannot remember them But it means give us the strength and grace to realise what we can and cannot do. The courage to except it.

We are not all going to be rocket scientists etc.
We all of us have a pattern and we have to cut our lives to that pattern. All you need to do is to drag up the motivation to do your best. To handle what comes with courage.

You do not have to rob others to get to the top my friend always remember a huge home and car and wonderful clothes and body often hide the tattered soul within.
Let your soul shine that is all one needs to do.

DreamCoCreators · 36-40, M

You wrote me a letter my friend, a letter of olden times. Thank you. I see. I just don't really know what my pattern looks like yet. Still working on the TLC needed to make it discernible from the gloom... :) We are what we choose to be. It is simply realising we a) have the power to make that choice, b) realising what the options look like, and c) committing to one of them. I think...

biofrances

No love that is the problem we are not what we choose to be. We are what we are chosen to be.
But to get there we have to pass through many gates and obstacles that are there to strengthen us. We think it is our bad luck and yes sometimes it is our bad choices.
But life teaches us to make good choices listen to that voice inside yourself the one we often push aside when our brain and eyes see something we wish for but maybe should not have.
Think of all the bad things as obstacles we need to climb and over come.
Please remember " Fronting the gates of excellence lie, The Gods of sweat we must pass by" Words from one of the poems I have written

DreamCoCreators · 36-40, M

Then, you see, I don't get it. I see what I want, but the voices tell me I should not have. I counsel. But don't be a counsellor - doing it for money changes the whole dynamic. Make money - but don't impoverish or enslave others in doing so. Live in an Earthship - but don't make your children suffer the angst. Develop a new political system - vote for policies and let governments be solely implementers of what the populous decides. But, you must eat and drink something, so to work you must go. If I cannot choose something for myself, then those little contrary voices will surely drive me into pieces - bipolar, schizo or worse... Maybe I'm not listening right.

biofrances

HI
I am sorry I did answer you last night but EP was playing up and I lost it all.
The voices you speak of are the voices of doubt the voice of insecurity and the voice of lost confidence. Lots of them nagging you aren't there lol ?

Take a deep breath and listen to that very tiny voice within yourself. Not all we do turns out as we wish. But it is the trying that is important the getting up dusting yourself off and starting all over again.
Take small strides ones you can manage till you get confidence as strength. look do not strive for something that could be beyond you, we cannot all be brain surgeons my friend.
One of the biggest things we all have to overcome is fear itself do you realise that.

Those who boast they know no fear are not brave people because they have not had anything to conquer . But those who can face their fears are the brave ones.

if I remember rightly last time we spoke you had a good relationship with God what happened there ?

enchantress4ever2

You can do it. Determination is power. If you want it you can make it happen.
Peace and Love

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