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I Lack a Sense of Family With My Family

It's surprising to me to communicate with distant relatives in a better, healthier way than with my close family. My mother was adopted and she's clung to my siblings because we're related by blood. But she's very damaged. I can't speak to her about my problems because her emotional problems take precedence over mine. She listens to my brother and my sister but not me. She says that I'm not as troubled as they are. She never admits that she is a source for my issues either. Her adoptive parents made her feel guilty over the way she rebelled because they adopted her and provided material things. I'm not adopted but my mother acts out and continues their cycles, even though she hasn't provided for me materially for years, and she still lives in a house my grandpa pays for. Why? It's like cutting her out for a period of time is the only way to make my point. She takes notice when I'm not physically there versus when I am. I don't want to live my adult life with her negativity. She's possessive, and acts like my accomplishments are to be shared with her. I never felt like she was a full adult herself. Just had to get that out.

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diablo · 51-55, M

6 or so weeks later now, has the situation improved at all, even in the slightest?

MethDozer · M

That sucks.
Well at least you seem to have enough empathy to see what conditions shaped her faults in this regard and understand that maybe it isn't a conscious decision on her part. That's kind of what family is really about right there. Acknowledging the faults of our family members but choosing still to love them enough to see what made them the way they are. I'm sure it hurts. It has to. It's unreasonable to expect you to constantly expose yourself to toxic behaviour and actions. There is nothing wrong with creating some distance for your own well being, but feel proud that you can see what caused her damage and able to show enough mercy to not label her as purely evil even though many of her actions may be less than loving.

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MethDozer · M

@MantledInClouds Most often completely dismissing family is a faulty solution. Though in some cases is needed. Most often stepping back and creating some distance to experience other aspects of life and recognizing the situation brings some piece of mind and better handling of the good and bad in the dynamic.

No one other than you can fully understand the situation or what is needed except you. However this briefing on your abilities and your borthers growth suggest their some good that came out of the upbringing that both of you endured and that there is some hope for saving some of the relationships. There seems to be some hope that it hasn't completely destroyed the two of you.

MantledInClouds · 26-30, F

True, but he knows his limits. So do I. I don't want to enable toxic behavior. My mother has a dysfunctional adoptive family she grew up with and it's made her cling to blood so long as it's blood. She chose a volatile man like my father to be with because he was good-looking. She even told me that my siblings and I were better off with looks than a normal, supportive father. She didn't listen to me when I came out with the fact that I was abused by a relative when I was younger because I grew up around a birth family at least. It's not that I have mercy I just care about my own sanity.

MethDozer · M

@MantledInClouds Those limits and knowing them are your strength. Don't budge on them.

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