just speak

had a mental breakdown Friday.....it didnt feel like one but then all of a sudden....wow.

its taken me til today to want to speak

after every one of those my recovery time takes longer.

I go into a strange self induced state where I can sit there and just stare into space. And I always know when Im "coming around" when I want to reach out

And so I was staring at my phone. Just wanting to tell someone.

And everyone Ive ever met runs through my mind. who? who can I text.

I dont have friends. old coworkers, sure. aquaintences, of course. but real in person friends? no.

My mom is the person I can tell anything to....but she usually says, "it will get better".....sometimes i think she doesnt want to think she was a bad mom. having raised someone like me

then only one person popped in my mind...."popped in my mind"....as if i hadnt thought of them as the very first... sometimes it isnt the person you want....but its the person you know will be there. you just know. rain or shine

and they were.

but it takes asking....it takes speaking,

i guess the whole point of this is to say, just speak

reach out even if it takes everything that you have.