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I Hate People Who Deny Domestic Violence Against Men Exists

I attended two domestic incidents yesterday. Both cases involved a male victim of a female attacker. One man was so seriously injured we had to rush him into A&E. Anyone who denies domestic violence against men exists is living in a fantasy world. :(

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Paliglass · 41-45, F

I've been on both sides of the coin. Neither is good. As a woman victim I was helped. As a woman perpetrator I wasn't even arrested. I felt it was very unfair.

I was mortified by my own behaviour and sort domestic abuse counselling. My first attempt was not so great because I went to a group where they thought it was ok for me to hit him as long as he wasn't hitting me!?! Then I found a programme that taught the dynamics of abuse which I found infinitely helpful and have avoided being victim or perpetrator since then.

I've known quite a few men who have been victims. One guy I knew was stabbed in the back by his wife. He said at the hospital he'd been in a fight with a man. Meanwhile she reported him for ripping her coat that was hanging on a peg not on her which he'd grabbed as he stumbled out the door from her stabbing him. He was arrested for criminal damage and she was put in a woman's refuge with their 5 children. I told him and told him to tell the truth but she was promising him she'd come home so he didn't tell anyone. He was really embarrassed and ashamed, made me promise not to tell anyone. That's why male abuse is hidden. It needs to come out and have the embarrassment lifted from it how they did with women.

I believe in any case of domestic abuse both parties need to be sent on the course I attended about the dynamics of abuse or something similar.

Sharon · F

@Paliglass

I've been on both sides of the coin. Neither is good. As a woman victim I was helped. As a woman perpetrator I wasn't even arrested. I felt it was very unfair.

That seems to be standard practice. In a lot of cases the police just arrest the man, even when it's clear he's the victim.

Northwest · M

@Paliglass Women do not report abuse, out of fear, and men do not report abuse out of embarrassment.

Sharon · F

@Northwest Women are actively encouraged to report abuse and the police will often get involved even if she doesn't make a complaint. Men are routinely fobbed off even when they do try to report it.

Paliglass · 41-45, F

@Northwest it is embarrassing too. Ask any woman who's experienced it. They are ashamed to tell their family and friends they're being abused, they feel stupid and want to pretend it's not happening. I think with guys it's fear too, with the guy who was stabbed he was frightened of loosing his children for example. So I think male or female it's fear, embarrassment and social shame.

Paliglass · 41-45, F

@Sharon yea, it's true. If I hadn't been so mortified by my own behaviour I'd still be getting away with beating men probably. And some people, men and women, actually don't think they're doing anything wrong when they attack their partners. That's why I think both parties in a relationship that has abuse needs education on the dynamics and motivations etc because it could be that they're hiding it's actually the woman being abusive or most likely they are both being abusive in different ways. I think that is most common and most likely - if there is violence in a relationship then there is different forms if abuse on both sides.

Northwest · M

@Sharon This is true. At this point, it's a matter of education, and the tendency is to believe a woman is abused, but not a man. You would need to have a trained specialist, to sit down with both parties, and try to sort out the real from the made up. Cops are not really trained for that sort of stuff, and they might be influenced by their own family of origin issues.

One of these days, people will start resorting to non violent means, to resolve their issues.

Sharon · F

@Northwest The police are institutionally sexist.

Caroline259 · 56-60, F

@Sharon That much is obvious. I've seen their sexist attitudes hundreds of times. :(

Paliglass · 41-45, F

@Caroline259 that is true but I know of 4-5 cases personally where women were abused by their police officer partners. The police covered it up, the women found it very difficult to get any help, let alone escape.
If the shame were taken out of it, everyone involved sent to a course about abuse dynamics and it seen as an every day occurrence that needs education then there'd be less abuse eventually.

Caroline259 · 56-60, F

@Paliglass A long while ago I used to think domestic violence was all men beating women. It wasn't long after becoming an ambulance technician (I qualified as a paramedic later) that I found that was completely at odds with the reality. I have to admit I was surprised at first.

I have a personal interest in this as my husband was a victim of his first wife's violence. He often required hospital treatment for his injures but the police absolutely refused to take any action against her. The police would say it was just his word against hers or that any witnesses (even complete strangers) were his friends so couldn't be witnesses. In at least one case they even tried to get witnesses to lie and say he had attacked her!

Caroline259 · 56-60, F

@Paliglass I know of one case where a male police officer was abused by his wife. Although his inspector told the attending constables the facts, they still arrested him! In some cases their inherent sexism overrides their loyalty to their fellow officers.