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I Fight Depression and Loneliness Everyday

I think I first realized how depressed I was when I stopped checking my email. Pretty much all of the email I receive is automated or junk, so no one noticed. At first I had 10 unread emails, then 15, then 37. When it reached 125, I was surprised at my lack of concern. I just didn't care about what was in those emails, or about reducing that number to zero. It was a kind of untidiness that eventually permeated my entire personal life.

My personal life is really a secret life, since I socialize with no one. I have coworkers, and I have a couple of friends who text me on occasion, but I have basically no physical contact. It frightens me that I don't miss it. But because I don't have it, my private life has become a kind of wilderness. The dishes build up. Stains appear and grow. A few clothes on the floor becomes a mountain. The refrigerator looks like an abandoned supermarket. I yearn to work from home and be left alone, where maybe I could somehow sort all of this out, work out the inner chaos to find some semblance of order.

I'm 43. When I was in my twenties, the depression was always bleak in a Russian literary way. It was an active destructive impulse that was rooted in an existential crisis - why exist? What am I good for? But there was always that dim voice telling me that there were alternatives, possible worlds I hadn't seen yet, where the sun breaks through even the darkest clouds. In my 40s, I no longer hear that voice. That active, bleak depression is a passive, daily, pedestrian thing now. I no longer really think about ending it all because my parents rely on me. So it's just the emptiness of daily life, grinding me down one year at a time, until the day I die of drink/infection/cancer/heart disease/old age if I'm unlucky. In short, unlike those earlier episodes, in this one I just can't imagine an end and I can't imagine things getting better.

So what now? Tomorrow, I guess. Tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow. I'll wake up, force myself to shower and clean up, throw some random food in a bag, and drive to work. I'll in my cubicle and smile and smile and hope I'm left alone for the eight hours of my life I sacrifice to avoid the great god Poverty. Then I'll drive home, get drunk, watch TV, and pass out. And then I'll do it all over agin. And again. And again. And the long gray train of days will blur together, and I'll survive it, bored and sad as hell, until I can finally go.
gardeniamoon · 26-30, F
why exist? What am I good for? But there was always that dim voice telling me that there were alternatives, possible worlds I hadn't seen yet, where the sun breaks through even the darkest clouds. In my 40s, I no longer hear that voice

This was so beautifully sad. I'm 22 years old and am struggling with depression... laziness... but a huge desire to be better and i just really want to talk to people who feel down, and work together to pick ourselves back up.
SW-User
sounds like my life! find a good hobby or goal to work toward ,it gives your life some sort of meaning. We are all alone really just think, is it worse to be alone or better to be in a horrible relationship.
Enchanted · 56-60, F
You don't need to feel this way...have you thought of seeking help somewhere?

 
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