I Fight Depression and Loneliness Everyday
"I am wrong"...When I was about 6-7 years old (don't remember the exact episode and the class I was in), at school, I started telling myself that...since the very first day of elementary school there was this group of bullies (1 year older than me) that started targeting me. They'd never stop bothering me and hurting me...I tried to fight it, I tried to talk with my parents, with teachers, couldn't solve anything. This went for 8 years, till the end of Medium School...
My schoolmates never once took my defense, never once made me feel 'accepted' despite what was going on...I felt like an alien, I felt different and therefore wrong, so I closed myself up...and I haven't been able to open the door again. I had a couple of friends there at school, but I found out too late they were talking shit behind my back...my family never cared about what was going on...they'd see me at home, always sad and silent, and thought it was my attitude...I just, I don't know, I don't know why and how it happened...
Then came depression, when I was 21...I started crying again, after not doing it for many years (the reason being what I told before) and it was devastating...I started therapy, been doing it for almost 7 years...but I still am unable to get out of this endless darkness...
I've lost so many opportunities...relationships...my job situation has been unstable since I had depression, even right now I'm working but my contract expires every month...plus my mom has had a rare form of cancer during this time, so that affected me too...I can't plan anything in my life, because I've been feeling lost for a long time...now I'm almost 29 years old. I don't feel guilty for what happened to me, I feel guilty because I'm unable to live...I've been surviving my WHOLE life, and that's the only mode I really know...I have no idea how I've been able to go on till now...how suicidal thoughts almost never really came to fruiction, despite being my only companion for most of the time every day...I don't really know if I'm here to ask something or not, I just wanted to share this...my damn struggle...hope I can find someone here...
My schoolmates never once took my defense, never once made me feel 'accepted' despite what was going on...I felt like an alien, I felt different and therefore wrong, so I closed myself up...and I haven't been able to open the door again. I had a couple of friends there at school, but I found out too late they were talking shit behind my back...my family never cared about what was going on...they'd see me at home, always sad and silent, and thought it was my attitude...I just, I don't know, I don't know why and how it happened...
Then came depression, when I was 21...I started crying again, after not doing it for many years (the reason being what I told before) and it was devastating...I started therapy, been doing it for almost 7 years...but I still am unable to get out of this endless darkness...
I've lost so many opportunities...relationships...my job situation has been unstable since I had depression, even right now I'm working but my contract expires every month...plus my mom has had a rare form of cancer during this time, so that affected me too...I can't plan anything in my life, because I've been feeling lost for a long time...now I'm almost 29 years old. I don't feel guilty for what happened to me, I feel guilty because I'm unable to live...I've been surviving my WHOLE life, and that's the only mode I really know...I have no idea how I've been able to go on till now...how suicidal thoughts almost never really came to fruiction, despite being my only companion for most of the time every day...I don't really know if I'm here to ask something or not, I just wanted to share this...my damn struggle...hope I can find someone here...
31-35, M
