I Overthink And Over Analyze Everything
It's something I really hate doing. At the same time, I only overthink a situation for a day or two, then I'm good at moving past it. During those 24-48 hours, it can be so hard on me. I keep replaying a situation or a feeling or multiple past situations that amounted to one final, awful experience over and over again in my mind. I replay every angle relentlessly. I think of all the ways I could have spoken better. I think of all the things I did well and feel upset that it didn't make the situation turn out for the better. I think of all the interactions that were similar to it in the past to see if it's a pattern and if I'm an active participant in my own, karmic torment.
Usually, the situations are vastly different, and I handle them differently each time, but I still feel the same. And that is what I dislike the most. I feel sadness, anger, regret, embarrassment, success, justified, proud, etc. I know I'm making progress. In this last situation, I addressed a friend about the abusive way his partner has treated both me and my partner for years. It didn't seem to go badly, but the next day he called me all pissed off and blaming me for his feelings of anger. He completely rug-swept her behaviour, pinned me as the 'bad guy,' and took it the wrong way. It was confusing because the day before he took it really well and said I was deep and introspective and that he hadn't thought of any of this. I can only assume he spoke to her about it and was manipulated in some way; it's what she does.
On the bright side, I feel brave for having addressed something that had been bothering me and my partner for such a long time. We tried so many times to talk with her about it and him, too, but they refused to listen. I had to be straightforward and blunt, using many real-life examples when I brought it up. I hope one day he'll see it for what it's worth. No matter how many times I replay the situation in my head, I know it was the right thing for me to do, and I shouldn't have waited so long. I have been addressing a number of uncomfortable feelings I've had towards people who haven't treated me all that nicely over the years. It's been hard. But I was so tired of wondering what I could have done differently. I was tired of thinking there was something I was doing wrong. Tired of investing so much into something only to feel rejected, left out, and criticised.
Well, now I'm getting clarity, and I'm realising that I have to cut some friendships off because they're not healthy. It's sad because I don't have all that many close friends these days. I am making more, though! And I'm very excited about this because I'm getting better at recognising who's toxic and who has good intentions. One thing that has really kept me back from exploring new friendships and relationships is the fear of unfamiliarity and the sensation of time wasted if the friendship backfires. I despise investing into something only to see it crumble, but I suppose it's a matter of perspective. Perhaps I can gain something from the experience after all, even if it wasn't the outcome that I wanted.
I certainly hope writing this out helps me stop overthinking the ex-friendships... I don't mind the way I'm typing or thinking now. It's the replaying of the situation over and over and seeing my 'friends' through different, unpleasant lenses that I so dislike. I wish I could quiet my mind a bit and not think of it any more. Does anyone else go through this? I used to think it bizarre, but now I'm thinking it's fairly common. If there's a way to silence unwanted thoughts, please let me know!
Usually, the situations are vastly different, and I handle them differently each time, but I still feel the same. And that is what I dislike the most. I feel sadness, anger, regret, embarrassment, success, justified, proud, etc. I know I'm making progress. In this last situation, I addressed a friend about the abusive way his partner has treated both me and my partner for years. It didn't seem to go badly, but the next day he called me all pissed off and blaming me for his feelings of anger. He completely rug-swept her behaviour, pinned me as the 'bad guy,' and took it the wrong way. It was confusing because the day before he took it really well and said I was deep and introspective and that he hadn't thought of any of this. I can only assume he spoke to her about it and was manipulated in some way; it's what she does.
On the bright side, I feel brave for having addressed something that had been bothering me and my partner for such a long time. We tried so many times to talk with her about it and him, too, but they refused to listen. I had to be straightforward and blunt, using many real-life examples when I brought it up. I hope one day he'll see it for what it's worth. No matter how many times I replay the situation in my head, I know it was the right thing for me to do, and I shouldn't have waited so long. I have been addressing a number of uncomfortable feelings I've had towards people who haven't treated me all that nicely over the years. It's been hard. But I was so tired of wondering what I could have done differently. I was tired of thinking there was something I was doing wrong. Tired of investing so much into something only to feel rejected, left out, and criticised.
Well, now I'm getting clarity, and I'm realising that I have to cut some friendships off because they're not healthy. It's sad because I don't have all that many close friends these days. I am making more, though! And I'm very excited about this because I'm getting better at recognising who's toxic and who has good intentions. One thing that has really kept me back from exploring new friendships and relationships is the fear of unfamiliarity and the sensation of time wasted if the friendship backfires. I despise investing into something only to see it crumble, but I suppose it's a matter of perspective. Perhaps I can gain something from the experience after all, even if it wasn't the outcome that I wanted.
I certainly hope writing this out helps me stop overthinking the ex-friendships... I don't mind the way I'm typing or thinking now. It's the replaying of the situation over and over and seeing my 'friends' through different, unpleasant lenses that I so dislike. I wish I could quiet my mind a bit and not think of it any more. Does anyone else go through this? I used to think it bizarre, but now I'm thinking it's fairly common. If there's a way to silence unwanted thoughts, please let me know!
31-35, T
