I Feel Like An Outsider
I don't feel home where I am.
I am a Filipino gay man who lives in the Philippines his whole life, but also felt that he didn't belong here.
The country is beautiful, don't get me wrong, it could be someone's paradise but it isn't mine. My whole life I felt so distant from their beliefs, their tradition, their culture, I couldn't fit in at school and I still get looks from people when I say that I just don't feel at home here.
I grew up watching my uncles and aunties, cousins, move to America or Europe and seeing their photos on social media, or when getting that once-a-year phone call from them makes me feel a pang of jealousy. They're living the life I wished I had. And it hurts so much.
It hurts too much.
And its not just this feeling of not being welcome that keeps eating at me; a lot of aspects on my life is also somehow being slowly eaten away by this yearning to be there, to be somewhere I could finally belong in.
Friends don't usually get the jokes and sense of humor I have that would be completely be normal to, say, an American or European. I decided to just have one or two close friends to avoid having too much awkward and unnecessary misunderstanding when making jokes.
My love life is also strained. I can't fall in love with guys here not only because of the stigma of Philippine society places on the LGBT community but also because I'm just simply not attracted to them. I'm attracted to Caucasian guys (disclaimer: I said attracted. I don't mean to say that they're the only race I can feel infatuation over. They just weight more on my mind than others do) and call it racism or preference, I don't care but that's just how it is. I tried liking--loving another Filipino man but its just not there.
As for family, I'm thankful enough that there's not much troubles with my family but at the same time, I feel that I've grown distant from them. I haven't talked to my grandmother or dad about my problems ever since I decided to keep my sexuality a secret from them and the problems, this feeling, they just keep piling up and I fear that one day I'll break and when I do, I don't think I could ever put myself back together again
Some nights I'd open Google Maps and just use the street viewer and just "walk" around on cities that I'll never get to, that I'll never see, looking at people who I'll never meet. And the ache in my heart continues to grow until I have to close my laptop because I can't bare the pain anymore. Those nights, like tonight, makes me want to just sleep wish that when I open my eyes in the morning, I'd be a different person living in a country that I could finally call home.
But that's not how life works. I know that too well.
I am a Filipino gay man who lives in the Philippines his whole life, but also felt that he didn't belong here.
The country is beautiful, don't get me wrong, it could be someone's paradise but it isn't mine. My whole life I felt so distant from their beliefs, their tradition, their culture, I couldn't fit in at school and I still get looks from people when I say that I just don't feel at home here.
I grew up watching my uncles and aunties, cousins, move to America or Europe and seeing their photos on social media, or when getting that once-a-year phone call from them makes me feel a pang of jealousy. They're living the life I wished I had. And it hurts so much.
It hurts too much.
And its not just this feeling of not being welcome that keeps eating at me; a lot of aspects on my life is also somehow being slowly eaten away by this yearning to be there, to be somewhere I could finally belong in.
Friends don't usually get the jokes and sense of humor I have that would be completely be normal to, say, an American or European. I decided to just have one or two close friends to avoid having too much awkward and unnecessary misunderstanding when making jokes.
My love life is also strained. I can't fall in love with guys here not only because of the stigma of Philippine society places on the LGBT community but also because I'm just simply not attracted to them. I'm attracted to Caucasian guys (disclaimer: I said attracted. I don't mean to say that they're the only race I can feel infatuation over. They just weight more on my mind than others do) and call it racism or preference, I don't care but that's just how it is. I tried liking--loving another Filipino man but its just not there.
As for family, I'm thankful enough that there's not much troubles with my family but at the same time, I feel that I've grown distant from them. I haven't talked to my grandmother or dad about my problems ever since I decided to keep my sexuality a secret from them and the problems, this feeling, they just keep piling up and I fear that one day I'll break and when I do, I don't think I could ever put myself back together again
Some nights I'd open Google Maps and just use the street viewer and just "walk" around on cities that I'll never get to, that I'll never see, looking at people who I'll never meet. And the ache in my heart continues to grow until I have to close my laptop because I can't bare the pain anymore. Those nights, like tonight, makes me want to just sleep wish that when I open my eyes in the morning, I'd be a different person living in a country that I could finally call home.
But that's not how life works. I know that too well.
26-30, M
