I Need Therapy
[b]Session 22:
[/b]
[big][big]CONTROL[/big][/big]
"So, you didn't particularly like the group therapy. At least you tried it."
"More like I failed at it."
"It wasn't THAT bad."
"It's just that I thought... you know... it would make a difference being around 'my own kind,' but it only made everything seem more magnified... worse, really."
"Okay. But. You. Tried. It. Why not give yourself credit for that?"
"Maybe I don't want to give myself credit for every damn remedial thing I do. Maybe I'm sick of being remedial."
"That's valid. But, what are you going to do about it?"
"Look, I never should have even tried group therapy. I don't even know why I agreed to do it. It obviously wasn't for me..."
"Hold on, now. Agreed to do it...? If I recall, you came to me with the idea..."
"Yeah, well..."
"Okay, I'm not sure this is getting us anywhere. You can mentally beat yourself up over it, if you want. But, you tried it. There was no damage done. It's not for you... based on your own determination. I think we should just move on. What do you think?"
"Yeah, let's move on."
"Well, what's on your mind?"
"I don't really know what to do with my feelings. In a complicated way, they like get in the way... get in my way. And, I am beginning to wonder if I would be better off just... you know... like shutting them off. I don't know..."
"Hmmmm. A person who doesn't feel anything is kind of shutting off a large part of his humanity. Is that your intention?"
"It's just that they always hurt... My feelings are literally magnified to the point where they are choking me... crushing me actually."
"Don't you have any good feelings... ones that are pleasurable?"
"Well, yeah... I guess. But, the ones that hurt overpower everything."
"What do you expect from your feelings?"
"I don't know... I guess... I want them to help me instead of hurt me."
"Give me an example within the last month where your feelings hurt you and then one where they helped you to feel good."
"Um..."
"Take your time... the first one that comes into your mind. Don't hold back."
"I don't know..."
"Come on... you DO know. Tell me. Don't run. Don't hide. Tell me."
"Well... Someone who I have been noticing at the gym who I casually say hi to every now and then... I guess I have fantasized... you know... being in a relationship with... but the thing is... it just never gets beyond the casual greeting stage. Anyway, I noticed... well... this person was in a conversation with someone else and it was like... you know... like it was more than just casual. I don't know... it's not like I really care. I'm only bringing it up because you're literally forcing me to come up with an example."
"Okay. What's an example where your feelings made you feel good?"
"I don't think I have an example."
"Really. Nothing comes to mind? At all?"
"Well, also at the gym... I had a long conversation with someone else. The other person reached out to talk to me and I made a point to engage and stay engaged in the conversation. And, I remembered how I used to feel so bad about myself because I would literally count how long other people had conversations with each other and compare that against the few seconds... literally seconds... my conversations would last. And, now I was having a real conversation. I don't know... I guess that felt good. But, again, it just seems so remedial. I don't know..."
"Have you considered that you are in control of your feelings? Instead of treating YOUR feelings like they are an independent entity, you can think of them as yours and yours alone completely under your control."
"It doesn't work that way."
"Oh... okay. But... do you think it could work that way. I mean, if you wanted it to work that way?"
"I guess... I don't know... yeah... I guess it could... work that way."
"Do you want it to work that way?"
"I guess it's an option."
"What are you going to be doing for the Holidays?"
"Probably, staying alone... as usual."
"Is that what you want to do?"
"It's kind of out of my control."
"Is it...?"
"I don't know..."
"Well, think about that... will you? And, we will talk again after the new year."
[image]
[/b]
[big][big]CONTROL[/big][/big]
"So, you didn't particularly like the group therapy. At least you tried it."
"More like I failed at it."
"It wasn't THAT bad."
"It's just that I thought... you know... it would make a difference being around 'my own kind,' but it only made everything seem more magnified... worse, really."
"Okay. But. You. Tried. It. Why not give yourself credit for that?"
"Maybe I don't want to give myself credit for every damn remedial thing I do. Maybe I'm sick of being remedial."
"That's valid. But, what are you going to do about it?"
"Look, I never should have even tried group therapy. I don't even know why I agreed to do it. It obviously wasn't for me..."
"Hold on, now. Agreed to do it...? If I recall, you came to me with the idea..."
"Yeah, well..."
"Okay, I'm not sure this is getting us anywhere. You can mentally beat yourself up over it, if you want. But, you tried it. There was no damage done. It's not for you... based on your own determination. I think we should just move on. What do you think?"
"Yeah, let's move on."
"Well, what's on your mind?"
"I don't really know what to do with my feelings. In a complicated way, they like get in the way... get in my way. And, I am beginning to wonder if I would be better off just... you know... like shutting them off. I don't know..."
"Hmmmm. A person who doesn't feel anything is kind of shutting off a large part of his humanity. Is that your intention?"
"It's just that they always hurt... My feelings are literally magnified to the point where they are choking me... crushing me actually."
"Don't you have any good feelings... ones that are pleasurable?"
"Well, yeah... I guess. But, the ones that hurt overpower everything."
"What do you expect from your feelings?"
"I don't know... I guess... I want them to help me instead of hurt me."
"Give me an example within the last month where your feelings hurt you and then one where they helped you to feel good."
"Um..."
"Take your time... the first one that comes into your mind. Don't hold back."
"I don't know..."
"Come on... you DO know. Tell me. Don't run. Don't hide. Tell me."
"Well... Someone who I have been noticing at the gym who I casually say hi to every now and then... I guess I have fantasized... you know... being in a relationship with... but the thing is... it just never gets beyond the casual greeting stage. Anyway, I noticed... well... this person was in a conversation with someone else and it was like... you know... like it was more than just casual. I don't know... it's not like I really care. I'm only bringing it up because you're literally forcing me to come up with an example."
"Okay. What's an example where your feelings made you feel good?"
"I don't think I have an example."
"Really. Nothing comes to mind? At all?"
"Well, also at the gym... I had a long conversation with someone else. The other person reached out to talk to me and I made a point to engage and stay engaged in the conversation. And, I remembered how I used to feel so bad about myself because I would literally count how long other people had conversations with each other and compare that against the few seconds... literally seconds... my conversations would last. And, now I was having a real conversation. I don't know... I guess that felt good. But, again, it just seems so remedial. I don't know..."
"Have you considered that you are in control of your feelings? Instead of treating YOUR feelings like they are an independent entity, you can think of them as yours and yours alone completely under your control."
"It doesn't work that way."
"Oh... okay. But... do you think it could work that way. I mean, if you wanted it to work that way?"
"I guess... I don't know... yeah... I guess it could... work that way."
"Do you want it to work that way?"
"I guess it's an option."
"What are you going to be doing for the Holidays?"
"Probably, staying alone... as usual."
"Is that what you want to do?"
"It's kind of out of my control."
"Is it...?"
"I don't know..."
"Well, think about that... will you? And, we will talk again after the new year."
[image]
