I Hate People Who Hurt You And Then Act Like Theyre The Victim
I'm not sure what I'm feeling at the moment. I ran across a few pamphlets for different trauma survivors today, and I read through the brochure for domestic violence victims. It listed qualities of a healthy relationship and the qualities for an unhealthy relationship.
I look through both parts and see that I provided everything to my partner in the healthy relationship section: 'trust, communication, compromising, recognizing differences, taking responsibility for one's own actions, etc.'
Then I look at the unhealthy qualities and I had two out of nine of those, which were jealousy and possessiveness. At the beginning of the relationship there was complete trust, but after he cheating on me on multiple occasions and with different women (I know, I shouldn't have taken him back after the first incident, but he was always so good at apologizing, and I was always so hopeful). Anyways, as his infidelity continued, my jealousy and possessiveness increased. I never bullied him or humiliated him throughout our relationship, yet now that it's over he's been telling people that he's the real victim, and that I was emotionally abusive to him.
At most, I remember telling him how I felt after I caught him doing something that hurt me. One instance comes to mind when I said, "I feel disgusted". He acted as if I was hurting him and calling him names. He then asked me if he was a monster. I said no, knowing that I felt differently, but I wanted him to know that I still forgave him. I had countless occasions where I could have called him a number of names, but I never did. I only told him how his actions made me feel... somehow that makes me the bully. I guess I shouldn't have voiced my emotions.
Then I wouldn't have been considered emotionally abusive. Then he wouldn't have hit me. Since it was 'my fault' after all... at least that's what he said. I 'made' him hit me because I 'wouldn't shut up' or I 'wouldn't let him think'.
I was the bully.
It's so infuriating that he saw me expressing myself, explaining how I was hurt by his actions as 'manipulation'.
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Dear ______,
No... it was not my intention to make you feel bad to gain control. But yes, it is natural for one to feel bad once someone explains how you've hurt them. Just because you feel bad, doesn't mean that the person was performing manipulation on you, though. It means that you're realizing that what you did was kind of sucky... that's a good thing.
At any rate, you obviously weren't okay with feeling bad about your actions, so you took it out on me. I was not the bully. I was not the abuser.
I am the survivor from your childish lack of appropriate coping skills. When you feel hurt, you don't hit someone. When you feel that you're not being heard, you try a different method to communicate. You're not supposed to strangle someone!
I deserved so much better, and I know that now.
I hope you learn how to deal with your emotions in a healthier way, and I hope you learn to take responsibility for your actions, instead of blaming others for your mistakes/outbursts.
Good luck with life,
- wtfgirl001
I look through both parts and see that I provided everything to my partner in the healthy relationship section: 'trust, communication, compromising, recognizing differences, taking responsibility for one's own actions, etc.'
Then I look at the unhealthy qualities and I had two out of nine of those, which were jealousy and possessiveness. At the beginning of the relationship there was complete trust, but after he cheating on me on multiple occasions and with different women (I know, I shouldn't have taken him back after the first incident, but he was always so good at apologizing, and I was always so hopeful). Anyways, as his infidelity continued, my jealousy and possessiveness increased. I never bullied him or humiliated him throughout our relationship, yet now that it's over he's been telling people that he's the real victim, and that I was emotionally abusive to him.
At most, I remember telling him how I felt after I caught him doing something that hurt me. One instance comes to mind when I said, "I feel disgusted". He acted as if I was hurting him and calling him names. He then asked me if he was a monster. I said no, knowing that I felt differently, but I wanted him to know that I still forgave him. I had countless occasions where I could have called him a number of names, but I never did. I only told him how his actions made me feel... somehow that makes me the bully. I guess I shouldn't have voiced my emotions.
Then I wouldn't have been considered emotionally abusive. Then he wouldn't have hit me. Since it was 'my fault' after all... at least that's what he said. I 'made' him hit me because I 'wouldn't shut up' or I 'wouldn't let him think'.
I was the bully.
It's so infuriating that he saw me expressing myself, explaining how I was hurt by his actions as 'manipulation'.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Dear ______,
No... it was not my intention to make you feel bad to gain control. But yes, it is natural for one to feel bad once someone explains how you've hurt them. Just because you feel bad, doesn't mean that the person was performing manipulation on you, though. It means that you're realizing that what you did was kind of sucky... that's a good thing.
At any rate, you obviously weren't okay with feeling bad about your actions, so you took it out on me. I was not the bully. I was not the abuser.
I am the survivor from your childish lack of appropriate coping skills. When you feel hurt, you don't hit someone. When you feel that you're not being heard, you try a different method to communicate. You're not supposed to strangle someone!
I deserved so much better, and I know that now.
I hope you learn how to deal with your emotions in a healthier way, and I hope you learn to take responsibility for your actions, instead of blaming others for your mistakes/outbursts.
Good luck with life,
- wtfgirl001
31-35, F
