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I Live In Lancashire

It's almost like having a second language and nationality that I don't use online because it wouldn't be totally understood. For instance:

It's been cracking flags all week and it's proper done my shed. I were at a do with nowt but butties like as them from a totter's wake. I just watted teeming a corporation pop, I were spitting feathers that bad. I weren't rarely spaking to none a them so I necked it down ginnel, got in and put sneck on. Turned box on an all, but there were some right owd toss on which were mithering me no end. Hundred buttons but it's all bobbins turned out for tuppence ha'penny. Either way, I were right flummoxed so I came on tinternet but half a time that's brock too!
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GlassDog · 41-45, M
Translation: It's been so hot that the pavement is breaking up and cracking under the heat, and this has messed with my head. I went to a get together but all the sandwiches had curled up and gone hard under the heat and looked like those served at the funeral of a rag and bone man. I was so thirsty and my mouth was so dry, I felt like I was spitting feathers, and I wanted someone to pour me a glass of water. I wasn't really involved in conversation with many people so I nipped down an alleyway home and locked the door. There was nothing on TV so I posted a story here, although my internet connection is a bit dubious these days.