I Have a Dysfunctional Family
This is just a really long blog about the different stages of my life with my mother. Its nothing special.
Thank you Mom.....
0, Thank you for telling dad that you refuse to have an abortion. I am grateful for the chance to live this challenging life.
1, Thank you for all of the times you defended me against my older sister, I don't understand why she is trying to hurt me so much.
2, Thank you for the care you have given me. I know you cherish and love me so much. You are always there, though I feel you are sad sometimes.
3, Thank you for not being upset that I am afraid of people. Thank you for letting me hide behind your legs and in your lap. Its where I feel the most safe.
4, Thank you for having my back when my older sister hurts me all these years she is really starting to hurt me. Maybe things will be better when I go to school, I am really excited.
5, Thank you mom for smiling when you are sad and hurting, I can see there is something wrong between you and dad. He says hurtful things. Going to school is hard, I miss you all the time. I don't talk to anyone.
6, Thank you for being strong. Dad is yelling more and so are you. Now you don't hide your tears and fears for the future. It was hard when we were homeless for a few months from that fight you had. My sister gets good grades. I am going to try really hard to be like her.
7, Thank you for standing up for yourself, it showed me that misery is a choice. Living in my cousins basement on a mattress was hard. I worried about our future and where we will be soon. Dad is being mean to you all the time now. I am afraid. School is hard, its hard to pay attention.
8, Thank you for finding a way to stay with us. Living at grandmas is scary I love the animals on her farm but I am in such agony because I hear the gunshots and I know they are being killed. The puppy I loved ate the pigs intestines. I couldn't touch him again after that. He got hit by a car a few days later. PS I don't like the school, my sister is still hurting me and now everyone makes fun of me like her. I have no friends.
9, Thank you for trying so hard. I miss you, I don't want to live with dad. I am worried that you will commit suicide like my grandpa. I fantasize my grandpa loves me while watching planes fly by. I was really excited about my report card having all B's but dad told me it wasn't good enough and that I should be more like my older sister, she always has A's. I don't want to be like her, she hurts me and I still haven't made friends. She always convinces everyone to hate me.
10, Thank you for being there on the weekends. Life is really hard. My sister hates me and I have no friends. I want to die every day. Dad is giving me pills because he says I am not normal.
11, Thank you for working so hard to be independent. I am getting to the edge of the ability to survive. The pain is just too great. I miss you all the time. I have finally made a friend her name is Melissa, she loves lizards.
12, Thank you for asking me if something happened... You just knew I don't know how. My whole life is shattered now. My friend Melissa became friends with my older sister, she told the whole school about what dads friend did. I cant stop crying.
13, Thank you for letting me be with you being away from my sister has been so nice. I have 3 friends now! I can be me now. I dont like your boyfriend, I am afraid he will kill you, I sleep with a knife I stole from him just in case.
14, Thank you for getting rid of that terrible man now we can be close like I have always thought we were. I don't understand why are you yelling at me...
15, Thank you mom.... I miss you mom why can't we be close? I have been missing most of my classes, nobody seems to notice or care. I sleep most of the time, the rest of the time I cry. I don't understand why you are yelling at me. I am angry though, I get angry when you are angry..
16, Thank you for letting me get out of our toxic home... I am really messed up, I was able to turn my grades around enough to be on track to graduate. I am still really depressed. I wish I could talk to you. I miss when you would see me as a good person. I do have a good boyfriend who is the nicest person I have ever met.
17, Thank you for letting me move out early... Counseling hasn't really helped our situation. I have tried everything I can think of. I even read parenting books to see what went wrong with us, I am confused... I am going to just give it time and hopefully things will change one day. I have noticed you are really stubborn and you see me as a terrible person for some reason. Im sorry I moved out of our house.. It was too hard staying there and trying to go to school.
18, Thank you for letting me stay at your house sometimes. I have been really depressed about our relationship. I am stubborn too but in a way that I just cant let people go. Me and my boyfriend broke up. We are still good friends. I met a new guy at the dance club. He is older.
19, Thank you mom for understanding my struggles. This new guy has been crazy and you helped me get back on my feet, so thank you. I guess this is the beginning of us being close again. I am so happy things have finally changed.
20, Thank you for watching Sammy. I have been really sad I cant have my dog with me all the time I miss her so much. I am so happy you have helped out and watched her for me. I decided to move in with my older sister, I think things have changed between us!!
21, Thank you for calling me so much I have always missed you. I feel so lucky my mom cares about me again. Me and my sister have had a few fights. You get mad at me when I try to talk about it or vent. I have just stopped talking about things if I can help it. I think I am completely done with that guy I met at the club, he is crazy.
22, Thank you for helping me move into our new home. I dont like the guy you decided to marry... He is controlling and how nice he is acting seems fake. I am sad I couldnt go to the wedding too. I wasnt able to get work off with 3 days notice. That kind of hurt to be honest. Me and my sister are fighting a lot, its all so childish. I just want someone to talk to. Why do you get mad at me for what she says and when I try to tell you what is really going on you dont believe me?
23, Thank you... Mom you never call I miss you. I call you sometimes, you only want to talk if you and your new husband are fighting. I feel used and cast aside.
24, Thank you for trying... I still miss you, I was so happy to be able to be there for you when you were crying on mothers day. It seems all you need me for is your depression. Me and my sister aren't on speaking terms. We got into a physical fight. The family thinks it was all my fault. I dont start fights I just finish them. I have a lot of hate hidden within. Being single is hard. I noticed nobody in my family stays single.
25, Thank you for helping me move to Idaho.... I guess I need to get away I gave the house to my sister so we can stop fighting and become close again. The short time we lived together I realized we can be close friends. Maybe things will change over time. Its lonely in this small town.
26, Thank you for coming to visit me. I love this area but it is lonely in the winters. I met an amazing guy in Florida online. He is so different I dont even know why he likes me. Its probably going to go nowhere.
27, Thank you for being there... I dont really like Idaho much, the people here are different. I cant make friends easy. I have only made friends with guys and I suspect that is because of some kind of attraction. I am still talking to that guy in Florida. He is the nicest person I have ever met. Seems too good to be true.
28, Thank you for helping me move back to Utah... I cant believe you have helped me so much. I am going to do so much for you because of how much you have helped me. I know I am getting ready to go to Florida but I am going to help you so much before I go.
29, Thank you for all that you did mom. I am mad at you for the things that happened while I lived at your house but I am happy I was able to make it to Florida. I hope the anger that was between us isnt permanent... Seems like we have always had a negative vibe between us.. All I can remember is wanting to be close to you though. I will give it time.
30, thank you for calling me, I didnt think you would miss me. Though it seems to have stopped. I guess you dont need me right now.
31, Thank you for the birthday and holiday calls but I miss you, I wish we could talk more than just holidays. I feel very alone. This relationship has been hard. I caught him in an avalanche of lies. One after another came crashing down. You were there for me in that moment, but it seemed you just enjoyed the man hating drama. I don't want a relationship with you based on complaining. Its getting old anyways. I will give you more time.
32, Thanks for letting me be close when you need someone. I miss you still. You have been the only person I have ever really trusted. But you only care about me sometimes. Grandma passed away last December, I thought we might grow closer because of that.. But you got a puppy and stopped calling me. I have been watching hoarding series. It reminds me of us. I worry about you having so much stuff, I think you are a hoarder. Never realized that. I watched you have complexes with your mom. Wishing she loved you and cared about you. I cant help but see the exact same thing with us. Should I just stop caring to avoid becoming you?
33 Thank you mom for being there. It was hard when he hurt me. I found the strength to overcome the pain. I still am sad. You only get on Facebook to post pictures of your dog. You have no care about my life these past 5 years in Florida. I still post on Facebook in hopes someone from Utah will one day care enough to look.
34 You called me more. You decided to divorce Dave. You talk about getting more puppies. You enjoy complaining about all of the little arguments You and Dave have. You want me to hate him like you do. You told me I'm the only one who will listen to your complaining. I wonder if you realize that's all you have ever done. I still love you.
35 you got 2 new puppies. You never call now. You said it's because you made friends. I am happy you have friends now. It's been at least 12 years. Im still sad that I'm only relevant if you are down on your luck. You got 2 new puppies. I used to ask you to visit me. I stopped mostly because I know you would never leave your dogs to visit me. When we do talk you are usually doing things to take care of your dogs. You still haven't bothered following my Facebook. I enjoy being on there now. My friends in Florida have become my family in a way. Hope you are well.
I hold close the memories of you dancing and cleaning the house. I cherish the songs that played during those times. I cherish the few times our conversations didn't surround your complaining about a man in your life. Or you believing some negative thing about me.. Me trying to fix it to no avail. I can't fix you I understand that.
Thank you Mom.....
0, Thank you for telling dad that you refuse to have an abortion. I am grateful for the chance to live this challenging life.
1, Thank you for all of the times you defended me against my older sister, I don't understand why she is trying to hurt me so much.
2, Thank you for the care you have given me. I know you cherish and love me so much. You are always there, though I feel you are sad sometimes.
3, Thank you for not being upset that I am afraid of people. Thank you for letting me hide behind your legs and in your lap. Its where I feel the most safe.
4, Thank you for having my back when my older sister hurts me all these years she is really starting to hurt me. Maybe things will be better when I go to school, I am really excited.
5, Thank you mom for smiling when you are sad and hurting, I can see there is something wrong between you and dad. He says hurtful things. Going to school is hard, I miss you all the time. I don't talk to anyone.
6, Thank you for being strong. Dad is yelling more and so are you. Now you don't hide your tears and fears for the future. It was hard when we were homeless for a few months from that fight you had. My sister gets good grades. I am going to try really hard to be like her.
7, Thank you for standing up for yourself, it showed me that misery is a choice. Living in my cousins basement on a mattress was hard. I worried about our future and where we will be soon. Dad is being mean to you all the time now. I am afraid. School is hard, its hard to pay attention.
8, Thank you for finding a way to stay with us. Living at grandmas is scary I love the animals on her farm but I am in such agony because I hear the gunshots and I know they are being killed. The puppy I loved ate the pigs intestines. I couldn't touch him again after that. He got hit by a car a few days later. PS I don't like the school, my sister is still hurting me and now everyone makes fun of me like her. I have no friends.
9, Thank you for trying so hard. I miss you, I don't want to live with dad. I am worried that you will commit suicide like my grandpa. I fantasize my grandpa loves me while watching planes fly by. I was really excited about my report card having all B's but dad told me it wasn't good enough and that I should be more like my older sister, she always has A's. I don't want to be like her, she hurts me and I still haven't made friends. She always convinces everyone to hate me.
10, Thank you for being there on the weekends. Life is really hard. My sister hates me and I have no friends. I want to die every day. Dad is giving me pills because he says I am not normal.
11, Thank you for working so hard to be independent. I am getting to the edge of the ability to survive. The pain is just too great. I miss you all the time. I have finally made a friend her name is Melissa, she loves lizards.
12, Thank you for asking me if something happened... You just knew I don't know how. My whole life is shattered now. My friend Melissa became friends with my older sister, she told the whole school about what dads friend did. I cant stop crying.
13, Thank you for letting me be with you being away from my sister has been so nice. I have 3 friends now! I can be me now. I dont like your boyfriend, I am afraid he will kill you, I sleep with a knife I stole from him just in case.
14, Thank you for getting rid of that terrible man now we can be close like I have always thought we were. I don't understand why are you yelling at me...
15, Thank you mom.... I miss you mom why can't we be close? I have been missing most of my classes, nobody seems to notice or care. I sleep most of the time, the rest of the time I cry. I don't understand why you are yelling at me. I am angry though, I get angry when you are angry..
16, Thank you for letting me get out of our toxic home... I am really messed up, I was able to turn my grades around enough to be on track to graduate. I am still really depressed. I wish I could talk to you. I miss when you would see me as a good person. I do have a good boyfriend who is the nicest person I have ever met.
17, Thank you for letting me move out early... Counseling hasn't really helped our situation. I have tried everything I can think of. I even read parenting books to see what went wrong with us, I am confused... I am going to just give it time and hopefully things will change one day. I have noticed you are really stubborn and you see me as a terrible person for some reason. Im sorry I moved out of our house.. It was too hard staying there and trying to go to school.
18, Thank you for letting me stay at your house sometimes. I have been really depressed about our relationship. I am stubborn too but in a way that I just cant let people go. Me and my boyfriend broke up. We are still good friends. I met a new guy at the dance club. He is older.
19, Thank you mom for understanding my struggles. This new guy has been crazy and you helped me get back on my feet, so thank you. I guess this is the beginning of us being close again. I am so happy things have finally changed.
20, Thank you for watching Sammy. I have been really sad I cant have my dog with me all the time I miss her so much. I am so happy you have helped out and watched her for me. I decided to move in with my older sister, I think things have changed between us!!
21, Thank you for calling me so much I have always missed you. I feel so lucky my mom cares about me again. Me and my sister have had a few fights. You get mad at me when I try to talk about it or vent. I have just stopped talking about things if I can help it. I think I am completely done with that guy I met at the club, he is crazy.
22, Thank you for helping me move into our new home. I dont like the guy you decided to marry... He is controlling and how nice he is acting seems fake. I am sad I couldnt go to the wedding too. I wasnt able to get work off with 3 days notice. That kind of hurt to be honest. Me and my sister are fighting a lot, its all so childish. I just want someone to talk to. Why do you get mad at me for what she says and when I try to tell you what is really going on you dont believe me?
23, Thank you... Mom you never call I miss you. I call you sometimes, you only want to talk if you and your new husband are fighting. I feel used and cast aside.
24, Thank you for trying... I still miss you, I was so happy to be able to be there for you when you were crying on mothers day. It seems all you need me for is your depression. Me and my sister aren't on speaking terms. We got into a physical fight. The family thinks it was all my fault. I dont start fights I just finish them. I have a lot of hate hidden within. Being single is hard. I noticed nobody in my family stays single.
25, Thank you for helping me move to Idaho.... I guess I need to get away I gave the house to my sister so we can stop fighting and become close again. The short time we lived together I realized we can be close friends. Maybe things will change over time. Its lonely in this small town.
26, Thank you for coming to visit me. I love this area but it is lonely in the winters. I met an amazing guy in Florida online. He is so different I dont even know why he likes me. Its probably going to go nowhere.
27, Thank you for being there... I dont really like Idaho much, the people here are different. I cant make friends easy. I have only made friends with guys and I suspect that is because of some kind of attraction. I am still talking to that guy in Florida. He is the nicest person I have ever met. Seems too good to be true.
28, Thank you for helping me move back to Utah... I cant believe you have helped me so much. I am going to do so much for you because of how much you have helped me. I know I am getting ready to go to Florida but I am going to help you so much before I go.
29, Thank you for all that you did mom. I am mad at you for the things that happened while I lived at your house but I am happy I was able to make it to Florida. I hope the anger that was between us isnt permanent... Seems like we have always had a negative vibe between us.. All I can remember is wanting to be close to you though. I will give it time.
30, thank you for calling me, I didnt think you would miss me. Though it seems to have stopped. I guess you dont need me right now.
31, Thank you for the birthday and holiday calls but I miss you, I wish we could talk more than just holidays. I feel very alone. This relationship has been hard. I caught him in an avalanche of lies. One after another came crashing down. You were there for me in that moment, but it seemed you just enjoyed the man hating drama. I don't want a relationship with you based on complaining. Its getting old anyways. I will give you more time.
32, Thanks for letting me be close when you need someone. I miss you still. You have been the only person I have ever really trusted. But you only care about me sometimes. Grandma passed away last December, I thought we might grow closer because of that.. But you got a puppy and stopped calling me. I have been watching hoarding series. It reminds me of us. I worry about you having so much stuff, I think you are a hoarder. Never realized that. I watched you have complexes with your mom. Wishing she loved you and cared about you. I cant help but see the exact same thing with us. Should I just stop caring to avoid becoming you?
33 Thank you mom for being there. It was hard when he hurt me. I found the strength to overcome the pain. I still am sad. You only get on Facebook to post pictures of your dog. You have no care about my life these past 5 years in Florida. I still post on Facebook in hopes someone from Utah will one day care enough to look.
34 You called me more. You decided to divorce Dave. You talk about getting more puppies. You enjoy complaining about all of the little arguments You and Dave have. You want me to hate him like you do. You told me I'm the only one who will listen to your complaining. I wonder if you realize that's all you have ever done. I still love you.
35 you got 2 new puppies. You never call now. You said it's because you made friends. I am happy you have friends now. It's been at least 12 years. Im still sad that I'm only relevant if you are down on your luck. You got 2 new puppies. I used to ask you to visit me. I stopped mostly because I know you would never leave your dogs to visit me. When we do talk you are usually doing things to take care of your dogs. You still haven't bothered following my Facebook. I enjoy being on there now. My friends in Florida have become my family in a way. Hope you are well.
I hold close the memories of you dancing and cleaning the house. I cherish the songs that played during those times. I cherish the few times our conversations didn't surround your complaining about a man in your life. Or you believing some negative thing about me.. Me trying to fix it to no avail. I can't fix you I understand that.
