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I made a big mistake and then I made a promise that I'm not sure that I'll be able to keep.

I've been really stressed lately, and tbh my mental health has been down the gutter. I've always been a bit suicidal but I've never actually actually attempted it. The past few weeks though, I've actually been considering going through with it. I even researched a lot and decided on a method that would ensure that I actually die.

The only problem was, i didn't know if I would be able to leave the ones that I love out of no where. So, I made a post on r/relationshipadvice asking if I should break things off with my partners for a while before I do anything like that, and being the stupid idiot I am, I posted it from my usual Reddit account thinking no one I know would find it. What I didn't know was that one of my partners, the one that I'm in love with, uses Reddit and he came across it, he read it and he recognised that it was me. He texted me about it and I admitted it being me.
For the past two hours, we've been on the phone, with both of us crying and him trying to convince me not to do it. It honestly hurt a lot to hear him cry like that, I can't imagine hurting him even more, so I made a promise to him that I won't do anything. But, the thing is, I still don't feel like living, at all and if something that has been the centre of all this mental anguish actually ends up going wrong, I might just do it anyways. And now I'm afraid that I'll break that promise and end up hurting him even more. Idk what to do anymore :c
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DawsonsGrove · 51-55, F
You have the power to change your life.
Azrael2 · 18-21
[@506684,DawsonsGrove] eh
Outsider98 · 36-40, M
Your not the only one with this problem. The thought goes through my head almost daily anymore.
WalkingLoner · 22-25, M
I understand your place. Since I have had a friend who did it.

Anyways, the reason why you don't want to live is because of some chemicals mainly. On top of that there could be some reasons like bad lifestyle or bad circumstances. Then there are three beliefs that put you down that gutter.
1) can't see a better future at all! What is your idea of a better future if anything was possible ? And why can't it not be so ?

2) can't feel a sense of connection to others even though you don't want to hurt anyone.

3) a sort of hatred for yourself.

Why don't you give Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle a try though ? He was suicidal and was pretty much ready to do it until suddenly something changed his life completely. Then Buckminster Fuller, who was there beside the Michigan Lake in Chicago, ready to do it when he suddenly had to stop and his life changed.

Talk to someone who is wise and be sure from every angle that you want to do it because you will never see this beautiful world again. It's one thing from where there is no coming back. And you MUST remove the weapons that you know how to use against yourself. It is a proven and effective way to keep your promise.:)

 
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