When you finally start focusing on yourself and what you want, you realize you got to distance yourself from some people.
Truth be told, I'm not sorry.
When I was really young, I was naive and quiet. The other kids around me either called me a saint or an angel. I was the kind of person who doesn't judge, who plays fair, and who tries to bring peace between two opposing sides. I was neutral and tried to make everyone feel better.
Then I grew up. I realized what gullible means.
I learn that at every stage of life, I can't always be there for everybody. I don't think I regret being kind. Only that I sort of hated the expectations my kindness bring out from some people.
It's gotten to the point when I felt forced to play the role. The friend. The kind one. The listening ear.
Before the quarantine, I was mostly tired from work and life. I had limited free time for myself and everything was becoming too heavy for me. I felt so drained and yet when morning came, I was always smiling.
I learned that people judge you when you're smiling. But people also judge you when you're sad. People critique you when you're kind, and they do it too when you're held back and closed off.
There was a time I was crying on a bus and writing my feelings on my phone, and I realized the person behind me was reading the words through the reflection on the window. He was laughing. It felt like he was mocking me.
There was a time when I was standing in the train station and hating how people kept choosing me to make way for them. I was too tired. I barely had enough sleep. But there was a person who saw I was frowning and gave me a judging look.
There were probably more instances than that. But point is, people tend to judge you at whatever you do without bothering to see the whole picture. You can't always be happy. You can't always be your best. They seem to have forgotten that and expected me to be the pretty, perfect doll just because I looked like it.
I wasn't perfect. I am not perfect.
So then quarantine came. There were moments of struggles, but now I like the thought that I found peace. I realized I don't really have to be there for the other people who drained me. I realized I don't have to be their listening ear, and that I could spend my time for me and what keeps me at peace and what makes me happy. I could separate work and life. I don't have to deal with people who makes me feel too tired. I don't have to be in places or positions that I don't want to be in.
I realize that it's okay when I don't feel like being kind. I don't have to be perfect. I don't need to be forced to be what they need when I don't even want them coming to me that much.
I blocked some, I ghosted some. Still doing it now, and I feel fine with it. Sometimes, it worries me, but at the end of the day, it's my choice and I like the consequences of having more time for me. I don't have to be what I don't want to be. Sometimes, that means choosing to be away from some people's circles so I
can focus my resources on my own goals and the kind of people I want to keep around me.
I started choosing me. And now I'm happy. :)
When I was really young, I was naive and quiet. The other kids around me either called me a saint or an angel. I was the kind of person who doesn't judge, who plays fair, and who tries to bring peace between two opposing sides. I was neutral and tried to make everyone feel better.
Then I grew up. I realized what gullible means.
I learn that at every stage of life, I can't always be there for everybody. I don't think I regret being kind. Only that I sort of hated the expectations my kindness bring out from some people.
It's gotten to the point when I felt forced to play the role. The friend. The kind one. The listening ear.
Before the quarantine, I was mostly tired from work and life. I had limited free time for myself and everything was becoming too heavy for me. I felt so drained and yet when morning came, I was always smiling.
I learned that people judge you when you're smiling. But people also judge you when you're sad. People critique you when you're kind, and they do it too when you're held back and closed off.
There was a time I was crying on a bus and writing my feelings on my phone, and I realized the person behind me was reading the words through the reflection on the window. He was laughing. It felt like he was mocking me.
There was a time when I was standing in the train station and hating how people kept choosing me to make way for them. I was too tired. I barely had enough sleep. But there was a person who saw I was frowning and gave me a judging look.
There were probably more instances than that. But point is, people tend to judge you at whatever you do without bothering to see the whole picture. You can't always be happy. You can't always be your best. They seem to have forgotten that and expected me to be the pretty, perfect doll just because I looked like it.
I wasn't perfect. I am not perfect.
So then quarantine came. There were moments of struggles, but now I like the thought that I found peace. I realized I don't really have to be there for the other people who drained me. I realized I don't have to be their listening ear, and that I could spend my time for me and what keeps me at peace and what makes me happy. I could separate work and life. I don't have to deal with people who makes me feel too tired. I don't have to be in places or positions that I don't want to be in.
I realize that it's okay when I don't feel like being kind. I don't have to be perfect. I don't need to be forced to be what they need when I don't even want them coming to me that much.
I blocked some, I ghosted some. Still doing it now, and I feel fine with it. Sometimes, it worries me, but at the end of the day, it's my choice and I like the consequences of having more time for me. I don't have to be what I don't want to be. Sometimes, that means choosing to be away from some people's circles so I
can focus my resources on my own goals and the kind of people I want to keep around me.
I started choosing me. And now I'm happy. :)