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When you finally start focusing on yourself and what you want, you realize you got to distance yourself from some people.

Truth be told, I'm not sorry.

When I was really young, I was naive and quiet. The other kids around me either called me a saint or an angel. I was the kind of person who doesn't judge, who plays fair, and who tries to bring peace between two opposing sides. I was neutral and tried to make everyone feel better.

Then I grew up. I realized what gullible means.

I learn that at every stage of life, I can't always be there for everybody. I don't think I regret being kind. Only that I sort of hated the expectations my kindness bring out from some people.

It's gotten to the point when I felt forced to play the role. The friend. The kind one. The listening ear.

Before the quarantine, I was mostly tired from work and life. I had limited free time for myself and everything was becoming too heavy for me. I felt so drained and yet when morning came, I was always smiling.

I learned that people judge you when you're smiling. But people also judge you when you're sad. People critique you when you're kind, and they do it too when you're held back and closed off.

There was a time I was crying on a bus and writing my feelings on my phone, and I realized the person behind me was reading the words through the reflection on the window. He was laughing. It felt like he was mocking me.

There was a time when I was standing in the train station and hating how people kept choosing me to make way for them. I was too tired. I barely had enough sleep. But there was a person who saw I was frowning and gave me a judging look.

There were probably more instances than that. But point is, people tend to judge you at whatever you do without bothering to see the whole picture. You can't always be happy. You can't always be your best. They seem to have forgotten that and expected me to be the pretty, perfect doll just because I looked like it.

I wasn't perfect. I am not perfect.

So then quarantine came. There were moments of struggles, but now I like the thought that I found peace. I realized I don't really have to be there for the other people who drained me. I realized I don't have to be their listening ear, and that I could spend my time for me and what keeps me at peace and what makes me happy. I could separate work and life. I don't have to deal with people who makes me feel too tired. I don't have to be in places or positions that I don't want to be in.

I realize that it's okay when I don't feel like being kind. I don't have to be perfect. I don't need to be forced to be what they need when I don't even want them coming to me that much.

I blocked some, I ghosted some. Still doing it now, and I feel fine with it. Sometimes, it worries me, but at the end of the day, it's my choice and I like the consequences of having more time for me. I don't have to be what I don't want to be. Sometimes, that means choosing to be away from some people's circles so I
can focus my resources on my own goals and the kind of people I want to keep around me.

I started choosing me. And now I'm happy. :)
Darin99branch · 51-55, M
Good for you. Choose you. I realized a long while back that there are people who are happiest when they are miserable. And we all know how misery loves company. They are identified in pretty short order. I only expend a certain little bit of effort. Then just let them kinda float away. Like a paper boat in a stream.
FlowersNButterflies · 61-69, F
Yes! And that sort tries to diminish the happiness of those around them. @Darin99branch
Darin99branch · 51-55, M
@FlowersNButterflies easier to drag down than lift up. I like putting in the effort to lift myself. But I cut bait in short order if there’s no effort put forth
FlowersNButterflies · 61-69, F
People who don't know better are useless. They do the opposite of you. There are plenty who believe if you are kind, you must want something from them, or that you're a punching bag. Society has grown childish. I don't see many adults.

Glad you figured this out, glad you posted.
Casheyane · 26-30, F
SolGryn · 31-35, M
That's awesome. I just started reflecting upon myself recently. It's a struggle but I'm learning to love myself, rather than trying to get that love from other people.
Casheyane · 26-30, F
@SolGryn Thank you.

I like a line from The Perks of Being a Wallflower. It says, "We accept the love we think we deserve."

But a lot of people forget that that kind of love could also come from oneself. :) When we treat ourselves the way we deserve, then that's how we grow and become even more capable of love for others, is what I think.

I wish you happiness & satisfaction in your journey.
SolGryn · 31-35, M
@Casheyane thank you. I wish you all the happiness of the world :)
ABCDEF7 · M
I am happy for you that you are evolving into a more mentally and emotionally stable being. You were not wrong earlier, but it's this world that makes you adopt the other ways to live peacefully and a better life. In a way, I would say it's evolving into a higher level of consciousness. It's about accepting as well as understanding the truth to have a balanced mindset where you don't get too much and unnecessary involved in things. When you don't get involved too much with things, you can focus on yourself and enjoy living who you are.

Thanks for sharing 🙂

Best wishes & take care 🤗
Casheyane · 26-30, F
@ABCDEF7 Thanks old friend :)

Best wishes to you too. Have a lovely day.
Iwillwait · M
Sounds to me like, you're growing. 😊
Nomad7 · 22-25, M
And all that for people you meet for 5 minutes and never again. Do what you want, it's your life

 
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