I’m not ok and im tired of pretending like i am

I get so much anxiety during the day and a lot at night as well. Everyone in my life turned on me and I still can’t believe it. I’m by myself everyday pretty much all day, the only person I speak to is my sister sometimes, my heart feels shattered. I hate how highly sensitive I can be sometimes. This shouldn’t affect me as much as it does but I can’t lie about my feelings. The support system I had is no longer there and the only thing going through my mind is, what did I do? I can’t focus enough to manifest and heal my heart. I don’t feel confident enough to express my emotions because I feel they’ll be shut down. The pain is making me cold and the anxiety is making my thoughts extremely negative 😔. I’ve worked so hard to put suicide behind me but I feel unwanted and unworthy. I just want to go away. All I see when I close my eyes, are my babies and I just wanna be with them.