I'm Not Perfect But Im Always Me

So, I did something stupid today. I tried to make contact with my ex. Yes, the one that abused me. Now that I look back on it, I'm not sure what I intended to happen. There's no way that things could become better between us, after what had happened, but I still wanted him to know that I forgave him and that I didn't want to leave things in the messy place that they had been left.

I guess that's not possible, and I guess it doesn't matter if he knows that I forgive him or not. He's obviously learned to forgive himself and move on with his situation. Maybe I'm the one who's stuck.

What would it have done for me if he had responded to me and we had the conversation that I intended? Would it have lightened my heart? Do I still feel guilty for standing up for myself and calling the police on him? Do I feel that it could've been solved another way, despite the fact that it had been a repeating cycle for months?

I don't know. But what I have learned is that I'm no where near as far as I had originally believed in this recovery process. Apparently a part of me still misses him, and not even a part of him that ever existed. I miss what I wanted him to become, which is pretty messed up.

I need to begin to grasp reality and learn to hold on to what's really there and not what I want to be there.

He's not there.

al13ngr33n

Sweetie, that doesn't make you stupid. It makes you human. A part of you still loves him, though I'm glad you realize that a relationship isn't possible. Especially if he hurt you enough to need to call the police.

I was in love with someone for a very long time, and it hurt for several years that he had chosen someone else. But I got through it, and I've moved on. You'll move on too.

There is someone out there for you, who deserves your love and loyalty. :)

Deeder3

Abusive people never change and you calling the police was very smart. I had been in an abusive relationship and it only got worse which I left. I call it University of Life. I have a twin that I had to cut out of my life because our relationship was just to toxic. You tried to find closure which later on you will look back and have no regrets that you tried. I wish the best for you.