I Hate Myself

I think I have lost my mind
Most of the times I’m not even sure why I’m living .
I feel like I have been chewed up and spit out so many times that even I don’t have any respect for myself .
There are so many lies that I can’t even tell them apart from truth anymore .
I feel like I keep getting played over and over again and eventhough I know I’m being played, I can’t do anything about it.
It all my own fault ! I chose to stay and be broken over and over again and now I’m too hurt and too broken to get away .
She says “oh it’s not like my husband hasn’t left me black and blue ! “ but the woman stays and keeps the family together! This is what we do!
The other one says” let’s say he has been f**king all those women, so what? What are you going to do about it ? Are you going to break the family over this ?”
It’s like they all think he can F**k around as much as he wants and I have to stay because that’s what a wife does !
Yet,
He has mannaged to keep lying to me and manipulate me even now that he claims to have “changed”. Even now , I don’t realize it until it’s too late !
I hate myself for being so weak but I don’t have the power to do anything about it ... I’m running on empty .
I feel like I’m being slowly poisoned and I can’t do anything about it and eventually I’ll die .
I’m scared ...
If I were not worried for my children, I wouldn’t care anyway...