I Am Sometimes Clueless

These past couple weeks I have had so much go through my mind. So many questions, so many feelings. I find myself lost, not knowing what to think. I think back in the past, wishing that I was still there. Remembering good times and bad. I feel alone. I start to show my feelings, but they don't come out the way they should. Sometimes too harsh, as if I couldn't hold back the anger from inside. I ask myself, why can't I change this path I am in? Why am I so scared to let go and move on. I have so many mixed emotions. At times I want what I had with other relationships in my life, like the laughter and the smiles. I am in this zone of unclarity. He has a good heart, I tell myself. Other times, I tell myself he doesn't want me to succeed. I question all the things that he does. Analyzing his every emotion. Why does he spend so much time away? Why is he not supportive? Why does he get upset when things don't go his way? I want to be there to hold his hand during the hardest times of his life and let go during mine. Why can't I stop it? Why do I continue? Is it worth it? I feel more free and in control when he is not around. Why can't I let go? It's not the money, so why can't I let go??? Don't I want freedom and happiness?