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I Am Done With Life It's Just Not Done With Me Yet

Sometimes I just want to pick my things up and walk out. But I know I wouldn't survive. I'd most probably end up dead if not worse. I'm so done. I'm a woman child that is highly controlled. I have severe anxiety and depression, and years of trauma that kept piling up to finally become complex ptsd. On top of all of that I'm incapable of most things that are second nature for most people. Mostly I just feel like stabbing myself. When I don't, I just want to up and leave. But I can't. There is no life for the homeless where I'm at. I'm better off dead. My mental health put my career to waste. I graduated from uni but I crashed after after extremely unfortunate circumstances and couldn't get up. I still cannot breathe properly. When I walk my blood pressure drops. Maybe for a few hours once every couple months or so I feel strong and normal. In those few hours I feel invincible. Like I can achieve whatever I want. That I can continue my career. But that's over soon and I'm always hyperventilating. I wish I could just up and leave. But mental illnesses just stick to you like super glue. Pffttt.

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SW-User

Have you been to therapy?

assemblingaknob · 26-30, F

@SW-User like I said, my life is highly controlled. I haven't been to therapy because I can't sneak out. But also because I have no money so I cannot even access it online.

SW-User

@assemblingaknob what do you mean by that? Is someone controlling you?

assemblingaknob · 26-30, F

@SW-User Yes. My mum has mental illnesses and one of those is ptsd and it makes her severely paranoid about anyone of her kids being out of her sight. She loses her mind if things aren't the way she wants. She's emotionally very vulnerable because of long time abuse.

SW-User

@assemblingaknob then maybe a sort of group therapy may not be such a bad idea? Have you considered talking to her about it?

assemblingaknob · 26-30, F

@SW-User Group therapies here are way more expensive than one on one.
Yes I've talked to her about it many times during my life. She obviously failed to understand because she's mentally ill in a way that makes her delusional and paranoid. So everything I say is "a lie".

SW-User

@assemblingaknob oh I understand yeah, it is very hard. Sorry you have to go through this. I also have a mom that doesn't acknowledge her mental illness. But you surely you will find a way to go through this, don't give up on your goals.

assemblingaknob · 26-30, F

@SW-User 💐💛