I Think of You and My Heart Is With You
I shouldn't feel the way I do. I've all but made the commitment to end my friendship with you. This is the price I pay in letting you confide in me - an ex of all people - about your problems with your boyfriend and now father of your second child.
So, as you two are back together now, and as I feel the bond I felt we made together slowly break apart, I still can't help but imagine all the things I'll never have with you now. I'll admit that your running to me absolutely satisfied my ego, and probably in the same way that my affirmation of you probably satisfied yours.
I often imagine the time I'd still love to spend with you. As you've seen already, it's NOTHING for me to drive two hours out of my way just to see you. I remember you telling me after I left my girlfriend that you'd want to one day drive up to me to see my new apartment. I often envision you coming over. I sometimes envision you coming over with the kids and sometimes I envision you coming by yourself.
We'd either just stay home, I'd cook, we'd watch movies, make jokes like we always do (I still think your boyfriend's a stiff!), and just hold on to each other like we do when it's just the two of us. Or, I'd drive us upstate. Ever go to Bear Mountain? The last time we ever went hiking was our first date, but that was a decade ago. And after that I'd take you to Nyack; I know a good restaurant we could eat at right off the Hudson River! Either way, I know we'd truly bond again. The way I'd want us to.
Worse? I often imagine what it'd be like if I was the father of your child, and not him. It's what triggered last month's meltdown after all. With all the things I know about him, I often say that, while I certainly don't possess his money, I do feel like I'd be a far better person than him. I feel like you and I could have absolutely worked amazingly well on raising a great kid. And why not? I understand you. We share many of the same values, ideals, thoughts, and our personalities simply just mesh in a way that I never felt with anyone else. It's why I sadly STILL feel a connection to you, even after I hadn't seen or heard from you for 8 1/2 years.
But in the end, it will only be JUST a fantasy. Won't it? I know you told me months ago that you no longer held romantic feelings for me. But you can't possibly expect me to just forget about them, especially after our random, unexpected re-connection. But I suppose the only thing I can do, especially as I try to move on with my life, is to make an attempt to forget all about you. I almost imagine that, as my emotional support is no longer needed, you'll miss me less and less as time moves on anyway. It's futile to even wish you'd ever learn to love me the way I love you.
So, as you two are back together now, and as I feel the bond I felt we made together slowly break apart, I still can't help but imagine all the things I'll never have with you now. I'll admit that your running to me absolutely satisfied my ego, and probably in the same way that my affirmation of you probably satisfied yours.
I often imagine the time I'd still love to spend with you. As you've seen already, it's NOTHING for me to drive two hours out of my way just to see you. I remember you telling me after I left my girlfriend that you'd want to one day drive up to me to see my new apartment. I often envision you coming over. I sometimes envision you coming over with the kids and sometimes I envision you coming by yourself.
We'd either just stay home, I'd cook, we'd watch movies, make jokes like we always do (I still think your boyfriend's a stiff!), and just hold on to each other like we do when it's just the two of us. Or, I'd drive us upstate. Ever go to Bear Mountain? The last time we ever went hiking was our first date, but that was a decade ago. And after that I'd take you to Nyack; I know a good restaurant we could eat at right off the Hudson River! Either way, I know we'd truly bond again. The way I'd want us to.
Worse? I often imagine what it'd be like if I was the father of your child, and not him. It's what triggered last month's meltdown after all. With all the things I know about him, I often say that, while I certainly don't possess his money, I do feel like I'd be a far better person than him. I feel like you and I could have absolutely worked amazingly well on raising a great kid. And why not? I understand you. We share many of the same values, ideals, thoughts, and our personalities simply just mesh in a way that I never felt with anyone else. It's why I sadly STILL feel a connection to you, even after I hadn't seen or heard from you for 8 1/2 years.
But in the end, it will only be JUST a fantasy. Won't it? I know you told me months ago that you no longer held romantic feelings for me. But you can't possibly expect me to just forget about them, especially after our random, unexpected re-connection. But I suppose the only thing I can do, especially as I try to move on with my life, is to make an attempt to forget all about you. I almost imagine that, as my emotional support is no longer needed, you'll miss me less and less as time moves on anyway. It's futile to even wish you'd ever learn to love me the way I love you.
