I Was the Other Woman

For 15 months and 3 weeks I was the OW. I will never be able to fully describe or explain the thoughts, excuses, and justifications that led to my actions. These actions have ramifications that have only begun to emerge, shadows of consequences that have only begun to take shape. My actions have hurt or at least negatively impacted an innumerable number of people, including myself and one person very dear to me. Even if in the coming days or months or years when I finally am able to heal from my own destructive actions, I will never be able to completely erase the damage I caused, especially to one very special person. All of the guilt I did not feel is finally crashing upon me like a tidal wave, but I guess it's what I deserve.

I do not condemn nor promote those who are in my prior situation; I will never judge those whose shoes I haven't walked in. I have nothing but sympathy and understanding for all parties involved. There are no true villains nor saints. This experience opened my eyes to many shades of gray in this world, even though in the end I cannot justify what I did. Through the enormous tangle of emotions I have created (jealousy, lust, anger, confusion, emptiness, guilt, joy, happiness...) is the overarching feeling of regret. I want more than anything to remove all the hurt I dealt, and to take it all for myself. I know that is impossible, so I have to be a big girl and lie in the bed I've made.