I Find It So Hard To Show My Love To My Parents

I always found it easy to show love to my parents. My dad wasn’t a hugger or the emotional type until his emotions exploded in anger or hurt. He always kept everything bottled up until his cup spilled over. My mom wore her heart on her sleeve on a daily basis either being angry constantly or crying. As I got older after finding any reason to just leave what I thought was a toxic environment by following the first relationship out the door it still didn’t click. Being on my own I still wasn’t happy. I was putting a band aid on a bucket with cracks everywhere. Well that relationship failed but again due to the cracks to get out of that relationship I felt the need to get into another one without even recovering or understanding what was I doing. When that relationship fell apart which included being cheated on again no time to really think and fix some of those cracks I got into another relationship. Now I find myself really thinking about all my decisions and my choices. Now I understand my parents pain and what may have lead to their treatment of me and how deep their pain may have been but now it all seems off. I still have a belief in fairy tales and fate and just have so many thoughts in my head and I not sure what thoughts are normal and which are fantasies. I am tired emotionally and I hang in there but sometimes I want something more and I see more that I can be but it seems I always find it easier to go along. I lost a parent over a year ago and now I just regret all the time I didn’t get because I was so confused about who I was and what I wanted. I always try to do for people to help but it gets me angry when it gets perceived that I have other motives for doing it. I don’t have a grasp of who I am enough to understand that other people’s opinions don’t matter. I try to be a good person but it seems like I have made some bad choices and hurt some people because I am trying to figure out who I am by how other people are around me. So far it has been a very bad sign to me being a not very good person.