I Do Have Feelings

Mom left me with grandparents right after I was born. I stayed with Granny for two more years after Grampa passed away in 1976. Then when I had to start primary school, Mom brought me back to the kampong house. For my holidays, I would always pack my clothes and go to stay with Granny for a week or so. When it came for time to leave, I would cry silently the night before. I was always worried Granny might get robbed or murdered because my uncles sometimes had to travel for work and did not come back every night.

Even when I was home, I would miss Granny very much. I must be about ten or so one day when Mom found me tearing after a show about Granny's Noodles. She scolded me for being silly. To her, I was overly sentimental and soft. Mom was not at all sympathetic. I gradually learnt never to show my vulnerable side to family, especially Mom. It only brought ridicule.

Can Mom blame me for how she misses her grandson now? Why tell me now that "It's different when you watch the little one grow up from the time he was small." Of course we are all human beings and human beings form attachments to the people they spend the most time with. It's a simple logic that is not hard to understand. If Mom were more empathetic and had more heart then, I might have reacted a bit differently now. But for now, I can take care of the boy and I will. I will let her rest. If she misses the boy, I am not stopping her from coming to see him. But that's all. I am not going to bend over backwards to make her feel better.

Is it so hard to show tenderness to your own child? I am not a money-making machine to pay bills, transfer money and die from the face of this earth. I have feelings too.