How do you react when you find out your friends are talking about you behind your back?
Do you confront them or just stay quiet and say nothing?
36-40, F
This page is a permanent link to the reply below and its nested replies. See all post replies »
Tatsumi · 31-35, M
I've always been a loudmouth. I can't really resist calling out shit like that. I will say this: not one single time has calling out friends for stuff like that ended well, for me. Serious talks never benefit; anger especially never benefits a conversation. I learned hard. It has to be--to maintain relationships--fun or lighthearted. So, you can joke or manipulate basically, and people much more appreciate this than straight up face-to-face "heavy" or "serious" arguments.
Even if you're right. Rightness means nothing. Emotions mean everything. How are they feeling; and, how can you make them feel? This isn't so much manipulating as it is creating the ideal conditions to enhance your human relationships, like Chris Voss would put it. Tactical empathy is a technique for enhancing your relationships and getting what you want, as well.
Over time, I've learned it's much more important to be subtle, most of the time.
First, I'd determine whether or not you want to stay friends. Do they ultimately benefit you? If not, that's easy. Fuck 'em and find new friends.
However.
I found, in myself, the desire for these perfect sorts of "loyal" friends, as I considered myself to be. A wolf pack, rather than a human bond. Loyalty is a very romantic idea, but it's ultimately very flawed. It's possible, say, if you endure extreme hardship with individuals--but, to my mind, that seems to be the only condition where nearly unbreakable bonds are formed: when you nearly die together and have to cooperate to survive. Parents, family, blood, all that means very little.
Could you find people who have more integrity? Absolutely. That's a real possibility. Would it be good for you to do so? Most likely. Is it tenable?
If not, you can't change other people. They're going to be the way they are. However, you can change your reaction to it. Reframe it as a benefit--even if it's just mental toughness--if you have determined you are better with them than without them.
So, I'd say do it like a monkey. Swing to the next branch, but don't let go of the one you're holding until you've got a firm grasp on the next branch. Or, reframe the gossiping as a benefit, if you have no other options.
Even if you're right. Rightness means nothing. Emotions mean everything. How are they feeling; and, how can you make them feel? This isn't so much manipulating as it is creating the ideal conditions to enhance your human relationships, like Chris Voss would put it. Tactical empathy is a technique for enhancing your relationships and getting what you want, as well.
Over time, I've learned it's much more important to be subtle, most of the time.
First, I'd determine whether or not you want to stay friends. Do they ultimately benefit you? If not, that's easy. Fuck 'em and find new friends.
However.
I found, in myself, the desire for these perfect sorts of "loyal" friends, as I considered myself to be. A wolf pack, rather than a human bond. Loyalty is a very romantic idea, but it's ultimately very flawed. It's possible, say, if you endure extreme hardship with individuals--but, to my mind, that seems to be the only condition where nearly unbreakable bonds are formed: when you nearly die together and have to cooperate to survive. Parents, family, blood, all that means very little.
Could you find people who have more integrity? Absolutely. That's a real possibility. Would it be good for you to do so? Most likely. Is it tenable?
If not, you can't change other people. They're going to be the way they are. However, you can change your reaction to it. Reframe it as a benefit--even if it's just mental toughness--if you have determined you are better with them than without them.
So, I'd say do it like a monkey. Swing to the next branch, but don't let go of the one you're holding until you've got a firm grasp on the next branch. Or, reframe the gossiping as a benefit, if you have no other options.
