I Used to Cut
As far as I can remember I have always been againts people cutting themselves because of depresión,at the time it was hard for me to understand why someone would want to do something like that to their body.
For a long time it felt like one of those things you only hear about in the news, movies, social-media…never something that I ever expirinced or had any close-one expirience. Teenage years was hard, but I assume it wasn’t easy for anyone. While still in my teenage years I had this friend, she was a bit younger than me, but we became friends quiekly because I use to be the typical guy who it felt easy to talk to, so she told me a lot about her life. She was going trougth the “typical” teenage stuff I guess, her mother was an acoholic with finalcial problems, so she lived with her grandma and could only see her mother a few times a month. She was a bit chubby and hated her body, a lot. Her best friend started dating this guy she has been in love with for a year. This last one hurt her so much because this guy had showed interest in her until he met her best friend. She later told me(I think I was the first person she told) that she had doubt about her sexuality. I told her thr quiest way to find out was experimenting. A few weeks later she kissed a girl for the first time and loved it. But I guess things gat seriuos the day she told me she was cutting herself, I was a bit shoken by it, I wasn’t really sure what to say. She then added that a teacher at school found out about it and was gonna tell her grandma, and she didn’t want her grandma to worry about her. I being the idiot I was tried to convince the teacher not to tell her grandma, the teacher took one look at me and said “Stay out of this, this has nothing to do with u”. I was mad that she won’t even listen to me, but then my friend said to me “Don’t worry, just go I will be fine”, and I don’t remember if we ever talked about it after that. I do remember that a year or 2 later I was going through a lot alone and I felt like I couldn’t trust anyone. One day it all builed up and I almost resort to cutting myself, it felt almost like an instinct, like since I felt so bad, somehow cutting would make me feel better, it felt like something inside me was saying “Just do it, u have to, it will help”.It’s like u feel so bad inside u want it to come out, u want ur emotional pain to be “materialized” somehow, like if u were a balloon and all the aire in u were just pain, and cutting urself would let them out. But I knew once u start it won’t end, so that and my low tolerance for pain kept me away from the kitchen knife. What I did do as an alternative was that I would keep a spoon in the freezer and a few hours later cross my arm with it. It did something, not too much but just enough to keep me from hurting myself. Sometimes I had to put some presure in to really feel it and some other times after I am done I get the urge to do it again, as if the freezed spoon wasn’t enough. That lasted for a few months and tho I can say I naver really cut myself, I definitely do understand the mindset u go through.
For a long time it felt like one of those things you only hear about in the news, movies, social-media…never something that I ever expirinced or had any close-one expirience. Teenage years was hard, but I assume it wasn’t easy for anyone. While still in my teenage years I had this friend, she was a bit younger than me, but we became friends quiekly because I use to be the typical guy who it felt easy to talk to, so she told me a lot about her life. She was going trougth the “typical” teenage stuff I guess, her mother was an acoholic with finalcial problems, so she lived with her grandma and could only see her mother a few times a month. She was a bit chubby and hated her body, a lot. Her best friend started dating this guy she has been in love with for a year. This last one hurt her so much because this guy had showed interest in her until he met her best friend. She later told me(I think I was the first person she told) that she had doubt about her sexuality. I told her thr quiest way to find out was experimenting. A few weeks later she kissed a girl for the first time and loved it. But I guess things gat seriuos the day she told me she was cutting herself, I was a bit shoken by it, I wasn’t really sure what to say. She then added that a teacher at school found out about it and was gonna tell her grandma, and she didn’t want her grandma to worry about her. I being the idiot I was tried to convince the teacher not to tell her grandma, the teacher took one look at me and said “Stay out of this, this has nothing to do with u”. I was mad that she won’t even listen to me, but then my friend said to me “Don’t worry, just go I will be fine”, and I don’t remember if we ever talked about it after that. I do remember that a year or 2 later I was going through a lot alone and I felt like I couldn’t trust anyone. One day it all builed up and I almost resort to cutting myself, it felt almost like an instinct, like since I felt so bad, somehow cutting would make me feel better, it felt like something inside me was saying “Just do it, u have to, it will help”.It’s like u feel so bad inside u want it to come out, u want ur emotional pain to be “materialized” somehow, like if u were a balloon and all the aire in u were just pain, and cutting urself would let them out. But I knew once u start it won’t end, so that and my low tolerance for pain kept me away from the kitchen knife. What I did do as an alternative was that I would keep a spoon in the freezer and a few hours later cross my arm with it. It did something, not too much but just enough to keep me from hurting myself. Sometimes I had to put some presure in to really feel it and some other times after I am done I get the urge to do it again, as if the freezed spoon wasn’t enough. That lasted for a few months and tho I can say I naver really cut myself, I definitely do understand the mindset u go through.
