I Believe In Forgiveness
I've learned forgiveness is possible and makes way for growth and love. Before I go any further I am going to make a disclaimer: this story will be a short novel about my life experiences as it relates to forgiveness.
Growing up I had a particularly conflicted relationship with my father. There was abuse, neglect, and lot of hurtful feelings between us. In the backdrop of all that and/or prior to it there was care, concern, and an amount of love and best interest for me.
My mother's death spun our world into a disordered state of chaos, overwhelming grief for both my father and I, and loss of direction in our relationship with each other. She had been our mediator, our rock; the glue that held our small family together. Without her we struggled to get along as we always had and fell apart with the absence of her guidance.
After her death our relationship went from conflicted to utter turmoil. Following going into foster care to escape the abusive state it had come to, there remained hurt feelings, broken trust and constant instability.
For the next almost ten years we would not have a constant parent/child relationship. We'd talk for periods of time good, bad or otherwise, then go lengths of months and even at one point a year without talking.
I had most recently not talked to my father for a year and have started our relationship again, around the time I begun going through my divorce. My husband had always been completely unsupportive of me having a relationship with my father, which always made it 10x harder than it already was.
I'm finding now that the forgiveness I've attempted time and again is now coming naturally and easy with his sharing of care and love.
We watched a movie the other night which sparked an emotional conversation about our past, our mistakes, and our hurt. It turned into tears and hugs and loving words. He told me "I'm sorry for everything I've done wrong with you. I made so many mistakes", as he cried. And embracing him in a hug I responded "it's okay. We all make mistakes, I have made mistakes too. I still love you though, and I forgive you. There is a lot of good in me I got from you."
I think what I've learned is if you open your mind and heart to forgiveness; using it; it can be a very cleansing thing. While I know there may still be some feelings to work through, I know the door has been opened, and I'm looking forward to starting a healthier relationship with my father.
Growing up I had a particularly conflicted relationship with my father. There was abuse, neglect, and lot of hurtful feelings between us. In the backdrop of all that and/or prior to it there was care, concern, and an amount of love and best interest for me.
My mother's death spun our world into a disordered state of chaos, overwhelming grief for both my father and I, and loss of direction in our relationship with each other. She had been our mediator, our rock; the glue that held our small family together. Without her we struggled to get along as we always had and fell apart with the absence of her guidance.
After her death our relationship went from conflicted to utter turmoil. Following going into foster care to escape the abusive state it had come to, there remained hurt feelings, broken trust and constant instability.
For the next almost ten years we would not have a constant parent/child relationship. We'd talk for periods of time good, bad or otherwise, then go lengths of months and even at one point a year without talking.
I had most recently not talked to my father for a year and have started our relationship again, around the time I begun going through my divorce. My husband had always been completely unsupportive of me having a relationship with my father, which always made it 10x harder than it already was.
I'm finding now that the forgiveness I've attempted time and again is now coming naturally and easy with his sharing of care and love.
We watched a movie the other night which sparked an emotional conversation about our past, our mistakes, and our hurt. It turned into tears and hugs and loving words. He told me "I'm sorry for everything I've done wrong with you. I made so many mistakes", as he cried. And embracing him in a hug I responded "it's okay. We all make mistakes, I have made mistakes too. I still love you though, and I forgive you. There is a lot of good in me I got from you."
I think what I've learned is if you open your mind and heart to forgiveness; using it; it can be a very cleansing thing. While I know there may still be some feelings to work through, I know the door has been opened, and I'm looking forward to starting a healthier relationship with my father.
31-35, F
