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I Can't Do This Anymore

I don't know how I've gotten to this point. I'm struggling to eat enough. I haven't taken a step out of my house in weeks. I haven't even applied to any jobs in over a month because it feels so hopeless and I'd rather feel guilty for not trying than face constant rejection. Lately I've been occupying myself with shitty videogames and awful shows on netflix because I just can't bear thinking about my responsibilities and my failures. I'm just killing time every waking moment of my life because I can't take it anymore. I just need something to change.

I don't have anyone in my life that I really talk to. I don't feel like I ever got close to my extended family or my friends, and I don't think my nuclear family understands me very well. The only person I feel like I can talk to is my mother, but it's not really talking. The years of me failing to be an adequate communicator seem to have made her ears deaf to my inane ranting. I feel like my family, no, my entire life is wasted on me.

The one good thing about squandering all of my time is that I haven't had to deal with any thoughts of taking my own life or something equally dramatic. I just drift through the days.

I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know what I should be doing. I don't know who I'm talking to. I'm just so very tired. If there is some higher power listening, please help me

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Tatsumi · 31-35, M

Been there. Forcing myself to work out...worked out well. Anyway it goes, you're going to have to force yourself to do something.

Otherwise, get some breakfast essentials [powder or drink], so you can get some easy calories and nutrients. Eating is extremely important. Naturally. So is exercise. If you don't treat your body right, you won't be able to function right in anything.

Get off your ass and go take a walk outside. Or, if you have weights, lift them till you can't. Then wait a minute and do it again. Then again. Until you're so tired you can't think of anything except food. And it feels damn good, afterwards. Our bodies were meant to be stressed and pushed. If you don't, you suffer for it.

As for sociability, if you have been isolated for awhile, if you have any kid family members, try to spend some time with them. Or look inti finding a job teaching children. Anything can work. I was a swimming teacher as a teen. They usually have those as city jobs. Or anything else.

Why kids? Isolation studies done on Reece monkeys showed that isolation kills primate's sociability. It literally makes primates incapable of socializing. However. Some of the monkeys healed more after spending time with baby monkeys. Or kid monkeys. Kids have lifeforce. Vitality. Some evolutionary switch gets flicked in your brain that makes you want to protect them and teach them and just have fun around them. It can be very healing. Though, I'd advise not walking up to random children. >_>

In addition, being social is about give and take. If you simply want to vent at someone, of course they're not going to get anything out of it, and will hate spending time with you. You have to give in order to recieve. Whether that be intrigue or humor or whatever.

Bottom line. It's all in your hands. No one can save you. It's all up to you. What path you want your life to take. Time is everything. So stop pissing it away. Pick up the pieces with your broken hands and struggle and suffer to make a better life for yourself. Endure and endure, even if your legs break and you can't stand the pain: then you crawl until you can't move anymore. Become someone worth your respect. No bullshit "I can't do it." Bullshit. Do it, bitch. No justifications. No rationalizations. No excuses. Only "I will do it." And say it. Out loud. Often. For whatever it is. "I will."

Now go do some push ups. :)

There are only two choices. Life or death. Living in the middle is no way to live.

I was going to say good luck. But fuck that. Build yourself.

Loser · 26-30, M

@Tatsumi Thanks for your response. I do exercise, but I don't think it helps much. I also don't know if I'll ever be able to be social, especially with children. I've always been absolutely terrible at it and it gives me a lot of anxiety. I can't just get a job and start doing things. I don't even know if I could get the most basic of jobs. I can't get anything in my field, and most things outside of that would reject me for being overqualified, even if that's just an excuse not to hire me.

I've been forcing myself to do things my entire life and I'm losing any and all motivation to keep going.