I blew up my dreams cause I was scared
Ever since I was little I wanted to travel, work in research and explore, I was interested in computer science and IT and I worked so hard to achieve it. And there I was in 2018, writing my master thesis in my chosen topic with my favorite professor as my supervisor and dreaming about finally becoming his PhD student in 2019.
But now it's 2020 and I'm not that PhD student. Cause I was afraid...
[b]I was afraid to ask my professor for a PhD supervision while I was writing my thesis cause I thought he might laugh at that idea.[/b]
And when I finally asked, he agreed but he didn't have a position for me and I would have to start without funding.
[b]And then I was afraid of being without money for an unknown period of time. (which was not even that long, maybe one year max... And I was 25 and I was paying for my education for the past 6 years anyway...)[/b]
So I took another PhD position. Which I now want to leave, cause I feel terrible in the project (due to my second supervisor, one other phd student and my topic).
And last month I talked to my former professor again that I don't feel well in my project (cause ever since I've submitted my master thesis we kept in touch and I've always trusted him, he's been kind of an "older friend" for me in two different other topics before) and he suggested I might be able to transfer to one of his projects... And my current supervisor even agreed to that without much discussion... And now the Corona started...
[b]And now I'm afraid there won't be any project for me left when Corona is over and that he will refuse me after all... Cause I've written him an email few weeks ago that I would very much like to transfer and he didn't respond...[/b]
Class 1.1 about how fear destroys dreams... Could have been writing my master thesis with a good feeling that I have a job offer after that and could have been a PhD student in my favourite research group for the past 1,5 years...
But instead of that I've been crying every other night for the past year...
But now it's 2020 and I'm not that PhD student. Cause I was afraid...
[b]I was afraid to ask my professor for a PhD supervision while I was writing my thesis cause I thought he might laugh at that idea.[/b]
And when I finally asked, he agreed but he didn't have a position for me and I would have to start without funding.
[b]And then I was afraid of being without money for an unknown period of time. (which was not even that long, maybe one year max... And I was 25 and I was paying for my education for the past 6 years anyway...)[/b]
So I took another PhD position. Which I now want to leave, cause I feel terrible in the project (due to my second supervisor, one other phd student and my topic).
And last month I talked to my former professor again that I don't feel well in my project (cause ever since I've submitted my master thesis we kept in touch and I've always trusted him, he's been kind of an "older friend" for me in two different other topics before) and he suggested I might be able to transfer to one of his projects... And my current supervisor even agreed to that without much discussion... And now the Corona started...
[b]And now I'm afraid there won't be any project for me left when Corona is over and that he will refuse me after all... Cause I've written him an email few weeks ago that I would very much like to transfer and he didn't respond...[/b]
Class 1.1 about how fear destroys dreams... Could have been writing my master thesis with a good feeling that I have a job offer after that and could have been a PhD student in my favourite research group for the past 1,5 years...
But instead of that I've been crying every other night for the past year...
26-30, F
