I had a sharp mind when I woke up. Now I am weak and struggling to express myself the way I need to.
This body of mine is sometimes a mess. Maybe I pushed it too far or maybe it is the emotional stress. I don't know.
I am back to bed.
There was some problems recently, family, work, friendships..in many things. It leaves me with too little time to breathe and let go.
And there are also many physical limitations I can usually work through.
I don't know.
Maybe this state is from today stressors. Mainly an intense argument I had with someone who insisted their crime was an "accident" ,all while claiming they don't remember the details, despite of the intricacy in how they hid their actions requiring plenty of planning.
An insane claim considering all else.
My rage I guess has a good use , pressuring people to do the right thing, making them call themselves out.
Usually when people hate me it is because I can do that to them. I bring their darkest truths to the surface which they have worked hard to conceal, and no matter what they say to impress me, I stand my ground. I am not easily forgotten. I can leave impressions that last a life time.
Unfortunately this rage as it seeps out also feeds on my ability to drag my body afterwards through the rest of my daily tasks. I get drained , my heart gets physically tired and in some rare instance I collapse as the adrenaline drops down.
That was the most recent problem but I can't help but to feel the state I am in at the moment is the result of something entirely unrelated.
I made the mistake of letting someone back into my life after they expressed having no ulterior motives. Maybe not mistake. Maybe it needed to be done.
Not even two days passed before they hurt me again.
When I care about people, I really do care way too much at the expense of my own well being.
I just stood there and didn't respond with anything while they ranted about all my flaws and what they think I am.
I didn't say anything.
I didn't defend myself as I didn't think it would make a difference because I realized they needed a way to feel free from a connection and it was what's best for them.
My silence seems to have made them hate me.
I hope they hate me enough to never talk to me again.
Ghosts keep coming back after I have long buried any type of expectations.
There is too much weighting down my heart. Way too much.
I know I can handle it. I have to.
I am back to bed.
There was some problems recently, family, work, friendships..in many things. It leaves me with too little time to breathe and let go.
And there are also many physical limitations I can usually work through.
I don't know.
Maybe this state is from today stressors. Mainly an intense argument I had with someone who insisted their crime was an "accident" ,all while claiming they don't remember the details, despite of the intricacy in how they hid their actions requiring plenty of planning.
An insane claim considering all else.
My rage I guess has a good use , pressuring people to do the right thing, making them call themselves out.
Usually when people hate me it is because I can do that to them. I bring their darkest truths to the surface which they have worked hard to conceal, and no matter what they say to impress me, I stand my ground. I am not easily forgotten. I can leave impressions that last a life time.
Unfortunately this rage as it seeps out also feeds on my ability to drag my body afterwards through the rest of my daily tasks. I get drained , my heart gets physically tired and in some rare instance I collapse as the adrenaline drops down.
That was the most recent problem but I can't help but to feel the state I am in at the moment is the result of something entirely unrelated.
I made the mistake of letting someone back into my life after they expressed having no ulterior motives. Maybe not mistake. Maybe it needed to be done.
Not even two days passed before they hurt me again.
When I care about people, I really do care way too much at the expense of my own well being.
I just stood there and didn't respond with anything while they ranted about all my flaws and what they think I am.
I didn't say anything.
I didn't defend myself as I didn't think it would make a difference because I realized they needed a way to feel free from a connection and it was what's best for them.
My silence seems to have made them hate me.
I hope they hate me enough to never talk to me again.
Ghosts keep coming back after I have long buried any type of expectations.
There is too much weighting down my heart. Way too much.
I know I can handle it. I have to.
